Gender Confusion: The Trilogy
by ThreadbareSP
Summary: In this revised compilation of the first three Threadbare South Park episodes, a new kid with an abusive parent moves to South Park. Hilarity ensues. Starring Kyle, Cartman, Stan, and this one other kid. Don't like OCs? Me neither. Give this one a shot. TSP episodes 101, 102, and 103.
1. Genderless New Kid

**Threadbare South Park  
Episode #1: "Charlie: The Gender-Confused New Kid"**  
**(TSP Season 1 Episode 1)**

* * *

_NOTE: I do not own South Park, but I wish I did. This piece is an newly revised version of a previously published fanfiction. It is written in the form of a script, contains naughty language, and introduces a surprisingly tolerable original character. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled. Enjoy._

* * *

ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY PROJECT B...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.

* * *

_The episode starts with a typical shot of South Park Elementary. Inside, the third grade class crowds around Kenny's desk as he drinks something out of a small can._

CLASS: Chug! Chug! Chug!

_Mr. Garrison walks into the room and sets some papers down on his desk._

MR. GARRISON: Okay kids, take your seats.

_The class ignores him and continues chanting._

CLASS: Chug! Chug! Chug!

MR. GARRISON: Shut up and take your goddamn seats! And Kenny, throw that in the trash.

_The kids scatter to their seats and Kenny walks to the trash._

MR. GARRISON: Okay, children, now before we start our lesson today, we have some exciting news for you! A new student will be joining our class this afternoon!

MR. HAT: That's right Mr. Garrison! Oh boy!

_The entire class groans._

MR. GARRISON: Cut that out! And don't interrupt Mr. Hat when he's talking!

KENNY (raising his hand): (Mr. Garrison?)

MR. GARRISON (ignoring Kenny): Go ahead, Mr. Hat.

MR. HAT: Well, our new student is named Charlie Pierzynski. She moved here from Minneapolis.

KYLE (raising his hand): Mr. Garrison? Don't you mean "he"? Charlie is a boy name.

MR. HAT: Kyle, you watch your smart mouth! I'll whoop you if I hear you correcting Mr. Garrison's pronoun usage again, mister, you hear me?

MR. GARRISON: Now, Mr. Hat, let's calm down. Kyle raises a valid point. Now, I'm not sure, Kyle. [He skims through a thin packet of papers.] All I have about the kid are its registration forms, and they say "Charlie" for name and "female" for sex.

_The boys in the class snicker._

MR. GARRISON (rolling his eyes): Oh, really, that's very mature, gentlemen.

CARTMAN: Heh-heh… Mr. Garrison… said 'sex'…

KENNY (looking green and woozy): (I think I'm going to be sick, Mr. Garrison!)

MR. GARRISON: That's enough, children! It's time to settle down and start class! [He picks up a piece of chalk and begins to write on the board.] Now, as you all know, children, Zha Zha Gabor had the widest canyon of a vagina the human race has ever seen.

KENNY (waving his hand and covering his mouth with his hand): (MR. GARRISON!)

MR. GARRISON: But Elizabeth Taylor-

STAN: Mr. Garrison?

MR. GARRISON (peering over his shoulder): Yes, Stanley?

STAN: Kenny's gonna throw up.

_Kenny vomits blue globs on his desk, then burps and wipes his mouth, looking somewhat disoriented. Mr. Garrison stares at the mess for a moment, then goes to the garbage can._

MR. GARRISON: My God, Kenny! This is paint!

CARTMAN: Oh, how sad… It's all his family can afford.

KENNY (angrily): (Shut up, fat-ass!)

MR. GARRISON: Now, we all know it's true Kenny. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Now go get the janitor to clean that up before we're quarantined. [Kenny gets up and, looking dizzy, teeters from the room. Mr. Garrison turns back to the board.] So as I was saying, Elizabeth Taylor was a pretty filthy slut herself...

* * *

_The bell rings again; it's the afternoon. Students enter the classroom after lunch. In the front of the room, a new student stands next to Mr. Garrison, staring nervously at Mr. Hat and tapping her knuckles together. She has short brown hair, and she wears a blue jacket, khaki-colored cargo pants, grey gloves, and a turquoise stocking-cap. Between her hair and her clothes, she looks a lot like a boy. She has small scrapes and bruises on her face._

MR. GARRISON: All right class, take your seats! Mr. Hat has a new friend he wants to introduce to you!

MR. HAT: That's right, Mr. Garrison! This is Charlie Pierzynski, your new classmate! Say hello to Charlie, everyone.

CLASS (in a monotone): Hello, Charlie.

MR. GARRISON: Charlie, would you like to tell the class a little bit about yourself?

_Charlie looks at the class for a few seconds before responding._

CHARLIE: ...No.

_Mr. Garrison lowers Mr. Hat until he is directly in front of Charlie's face. She looks at the puppet almost fearfully._

MR. HAT: Go ahead, Charlie. Don't be shy. Why don't you say a few things about yourself to your new classmates?

_Charlie stares at the puppet for a few more seconds, her mouth slightly open, then looks down at her hands._

CHARLIE: I'm Charlie. I'm almost eight-and-a-half.

_She looks up at Mr. Hat again._

MR. HAT: Go on.

CHARLIE: ...My favorite color is blue... and I don't have any pets... [She looks up at Mr. Garrison.] I'm done.

MR. GARRISON: [Sigh.] That's good enough, I guess. [To the class.] Now, are there any questions you'd like to ask Charlie? [Stan raises his hand.] Yes Stanley?

STAN: Are you a boy or a girl?

CHARLIE: I'm a girl.

STAN: Then why is your name Charlie?

CHARLIE: It's supposed to be short for Charlotte, I guess.

STAN: [pause] Oh.

MR. GARRISON: Anyone else? Yes, Clyde?

CLYDE: If you're from Minneapolis, then why don't you have a British accent?

CHARLIE: Minneapolis is in the U.S.

CLYDE: No it isn't. It's a town in England. My dad went there once.

KYLE: Minneapolis is in Minnesota, dumbass.

CLYDE: Seriously?

KYLE: Yes.

CLYDE: Oh.

MR. GARRISON: All right, do you kids have any more stupid little questions? Yes, Kenny?

KENNY: (Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but are you a dyke?)

_The class laughs, Charlie looks embarrassed, and Mr. Garrison looks angry._

STAN to Kyle: What's a dyke?

KYLE: I dunno. Kenny, what's a dyke?

KENNY: (Dykes are girls who like pussy.)

_All three laugh._

MR. GARRISON: Kenny McCormick, where did you learn that kind of language?

KENNY: (Television.)

MR. GARRISON: Oh. All right then. Um, class, we've got a special surprise for the rest of the afternoon, but before I tell you what it is, is there anyone who'd like to show Charlie around during recess? Anyone? [Cartman forcibly raises Kenny's hand.] All right. Why don't you take that seat next to Kenny, Charlie?

CARTMAN: Heh, heh- Hey! I'm in this seat!

MR. GARRISON: Oh, I forgot all about you, Eric. Well, why don't you go sit over in that seat by Pip?

CARTMAN: Bu- the- wh- Dammit, are you serious?

MR. GARRISON: Right now, Eric.

CARTMAN: But I don't waaannaaaa! Ahhhhhhm!

MR. GARRISON: NOW, Eric.

_Cartman grumbles angrily as he moves over to the seat next to Pip. Charlie sits down in his old seat, looking down at her hands._

MR. GARRISON: Now, as a special surprise for the rest of the class, we'll be watching several important episodes of Barnaby Jones. There will be a quiz on this stuff, so pay attention.

_The class groans. As soon as Mr. Garrison flicks off the lights, everyone in the class but Charlie puts his head down on his desk. Charlie looks around, then does the same._

* * *

_It's recess. All of the kids are playing outside. The boys are by the swings._

STAN: No, dude—I was really asleep the whole class.

KYLE: Yeah right. I saw you peeking at the screen. I think you LIKE Barnaby Jones.

STAN: Do not!

KENNY: (Do too!)

STAN: Shut up, Kenny.

CARTMAN: Your impertinent and childish chatter is boring me. Let's play alien invasion.

KYLE: No way dude. We played alien invasion yesterday, and the day before, and the Friday before that.

STAN: Yeah, aren't you getting tired of the same old boring aliens with the same old boring fizzing green blood?

CARTMAN: Dude. You can never get enough of Tralfadorians. They kick ass.

KYLE: Hey, Kenny, aren't you supposed to be showing that new girl around?

_Kenny shrugs._

CARTMAN (whining): Come ON you guys, I wanna play alien invasion!

KYLE: Shut up, Cartman.

CARTMAN: I'm not talking to you, you ugly Jew!

STAN: Hey, that rhymed! "I'm not talking to you, you ugly Jew."

KENNY: ("I sleep with your sister more often than you!")

_Everyone but Kyle laughs._

KYLE: Shut up, Kenny! I don't even have a sister!

_Charlie walks up._

CARTMAN (sighing): Well, what do you want?

CHARLIE: The guy with the puppet said the orange kid is supposed to show me where stuff is.

CARTMAN: Kenny doesn't want to show you where stuff is. You got me kicked out of my seat, you little twat. Go stand by the wall like the other new kids.

_They all look over at a wall, where two kids, one around kindergartner-sized and one taller than the third graders, are frowning and staring awkwardly at the ground._

CHARLIE: Fine. I don't need his help.

_She walks away. A moment later she comes back._

CHARLIE: ...At least I'm not fat.

_She walks away again. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny snigger. Cartman looks pissed._

CARTMAN: Hey! I'm not—well at least I'm not a gender-confused new kid! Go… put on a dress and get back in the kitchen where you belong! (To Stan, Kyle, and Kenny) And stop laughing! Let's go play alien invasion.

KYLE: Screw you. I'd rather just show the new kid around.

STAN: Me too. C'mon Kenny. C'mon, fat-ass.

CARTMAN: You guys go ahead and show your retarded little genderless friend around. I'm staying here and playing alien invasion by myself, where I'm ALLOWED to wear impenetrable vests.

STAN: Whatever, dude.

_The three walk away. Cartman looks a little bummed._

CARTMAN: Fine. They can just go. I don't need them. Stupid Jew. I am master over this swing; it is my tiny realm. Nobody can touch it. It's mine. And it thinks I'm awesome.

* * *

_The other three walk over to the bench where Charlie is sitting. She has one sleeve rolled up, revealing a badly bruised arm. She pokes it and winces._

KYLE: Whoa, where'd you—

_Charlie yelps and falls off of the bench. The three stare at her as she gets up and quickly rolls down her sleeve._

CHARLIE: Hi.

KYLE: Yeah. Hi. Where'd you get those bruises though, dude?

CHARLIE: Wha—what?

KYLE: The bruises. All over your arm.

KENNY: (Maybe she likes rough sex.)

CHARLIE: I do not! I just… fell down the stairs.

KYLE: On your arm?

CHARLIE: …Yes.

_They just stare at her._

CHARLIE: …Also I ran into a table. Really hard. [Pause.] I just fall down a lot.

STAN: Um, okay. Kenny is supposed to show you around though.

_Kenny waves._

CHARLIE: Oh, yeah, well… I'm okay, I think. It's no big deal.

STAN: Okay. C'mon, guys.

KYLE: Dude!

STAN: What? She doesn't want us to show her around, so we don't have to show her around.

_Meanwhile, Kenny leaves._

KYLE: Well, she's new and everything. She's probably just a little shy.

STAN: I think I'd rather just… [The two look back and see Cartman flopped on top of Kenny, who is brutally kicking his way out.] Never mind.

KYLE to Charlie: Do you want us to show you around?

_Charlie smiles slightly and shrugs._

* * *

_Stan, Kyle, and Charlie walk around the schoolyard._

STAN: That's the swings, and that's the tetherball thing, and that's the jungle gym. And our teacher's name is Mr. Garrison.

CHARLIE: Does he always have a puppet?

STAN: What, Mr. Hat? Yeah, he always has Mr. Hat.

KYLE: And that's Wendy, and that's Bebe, and the fat-ass is Cartman, and I don't know who that is, and that's Pip. His real name's Philip, but everyone calls him Pip, 'cause we hate him.

CHARLIE: Why do you hate him?

KYLE: We just do.

CHARLIE: Oh.

_Wendy and Bebe approach the three children._

WENDY: Hi, Stan.

_Stan throws up._

KYLE: Hi Wendy. Hi Bebe.

WENDY: Stan, are you done throwing up?

_Stan throws up again._

WENDY: Ew, that's gross. Puke is gross. Now are you done throwing up?

STAN: I think so.

WENDY: Can I talk to you?

STAN: Sure.

_Stan and Wendy walk away. Bebe smiles at Charlie. Charlie and Kyle glance at each other uncomfortably._

WENDY: Stan, is there a new kid in our class?

STAN: Yeah, weren't you there for the big introduction?

WENDY: No. Bebe's mom took me and her to a hair salon. Do you like my new hair?

_She spins around. Her hair looks the same as always._

STAN: Yeah. It's great.

WENDY: But Stan! What's the new kid's name?

STAN: Charlie.

WENDY: I love that name! Stan, do you think Charlie would like to go out with Bebe? When she saw him earlier at recess, she said she thought he was cute.

STAN (looking a little disturbed): Um, Wendy, I don't think—

WENDY: Well, Kyle doesn't like her, and she's really sad because I have a boyfriend and she doesn't!

_Stan throws up._

WENDY: Ew, gross! Stan, that's gross! But anyway, come on! Go ask Charlie if he likes Bebe!

STAN: Charlie isn't—

WENDY: Please?

STAN: …Okay.

_They walk back. Bebe is still staring at Charlie, who hasn't said a word. Wendy whispers something to Bebe, who giggles and whispers something back._

WENDY: Charlie, this is Bebe, and I'm Wendy.

CHARLIE: Hi.

WENDY: I'm Stan's girlfriend.

CHARLIE: Okay.

_Bebe whispers something to Wendy._

WENDY: My friend Bebe was wondering if—Stan, what's wrong?

_Stan is shaking his head vigorously._

STAN: I really don't think you should—

WENDY: Stop being so selfish, Stan! He can do whatever he wants! Charlie, would you like to go out with Bebe?

_Charlie doesn't say anything, just opens her mouth in shock. Bebe giggles._

WENDY: It's okay. She thinks you're cute.

_Charlie doesn't move._

WENDY: Does that mean yes?

_Charlie doesn't move._

WENDY: Yes! This is so exciting! Bebe has a boyfriend!

_Bebe runs up and kisses Charlie on the cheek. Charlie appears to be completely petrified. The two girls run off together._

KYLE: Dude! You're going out with Bebe!

_Charlie doesn't move._

KYLE: Bebe's a girl!

_Charlie doesn't move._

KYLE to Stan: Dude, is she okay?

STAN: I dunno. Should we get her to the nurse?

KYLE: One sec… [He punches one of her arms].

CHARLIE: Ah! Dad! [She notices Kyle and Stan] Ow. What was that for?

KYLE: You're Bebe's boyfriend.

_Charlie freezes again._

STAN: Dude? Dude!

_Stan punches her other arm._

CHARLIE: Ah! Cut it out!

_Kyle punches her arm again._

CHARLIE: I'm awake, I'm awake! God!

KYLE: Just checking.

* * *

_The boys and Charlie are at Stan's house, in his bedroom. Mrs. Marsh (Sharon) knocks and comes in with cookies._

SHARON: Stan, I think it's so nice that you invited all your little friends over!

STAN: Sure, Mom.

SHARON: And it's so nice that you finally made a new friend! What did you say his name was?

STAN: Charlie. And she's a girl.

SHARON: Of course, sweetheart. Have a nice time, kids!

_She exits._

STAN to Charlie: Sorry about that.

CHARLIE: It's okay. Thanks for inviting me over.

KYLE: It's probably the least he could do considering he let you get together with Bebe.

* * *

_Downstairs, Sharon approaches Randy, who reads the newspaper on the couch._

Sharon: The boys invited a little lesbian girl over today.

Randy: [Folding the newspaper and smiling up at his wife] Well, that's swell!

Sharon: I'm just so happy our son is so open-minded.

Randy: I guess we did a good job of raising him after all, Sharon. Go us! [High five]

* * *

_Back in the room..._

CARTMAN: Well guys, I'm not entirely convinced that Charlie—IF that is your name—[Charlie looks a little confused] is actually a girl. Maybe he's just pretending 'cause he's gay.

CHARLIE: Am not!

KYLE: Yeah, shut up, fat boy! She's a girl!

CARTMAN (in a teasing voice): Kyle likes Charlie! Kyle likes a boy! Jews are gay!

KYLE: Shut up you stupid piece of shit!

CARTMAN: I'll prove it to you! Charlie, pull down your pants!

CHARLIE: What? No thanks.

CARTMAN: No, seriously! You don't have something to HIDE from us, do you? Like a penis?

CHARLIE: Of course not, I just don't wanna pull down my pants!

KENNY: (That's fucked up, Cartman.)

STAN: Yeah, Cartman! You're a sick pervert!

CARTMAN: Oh yeah? [He leans over and grabs Charlie's pants.]

Charlie kicks Cartman in the face with her other foot. Cartman lets go and moans a little. Suddenly Cartman opens his mouth and spits a load of blood on the floor. Stan runs to the door.

STAN: Mom! Cartman tried to pull down Charlie's pants to see if she had a penis and she kicked him in the face and he puked blood on my carpet!

_Sharon hurries into the room. Cartman is moaning pitifully._

CARTMAN: I feel victimized!

SHARON: My God Stanley, they've been over for all of five minutes and this happens!

KYLE: It was Cartman's fault, Mrs. Marsh. He was being a sick pervert and trying to take Charlie's pants off.

SHARON: …Okay… Eric, do you want me to call your mom?

CARTMAN: I'm so abused! What did I do to deserve this?

_Sharon leads Cartman out of the room._

SHARON: Stan, if any more of your friends vomit blood on your carpet, you're done playing for the day. Do you understand me?

STAN: Okay, Mom.

_The two leave. Cartman can be heard crying for a little while._

STAN: Don't worry about Cartman, Charlie. He's just a douchey little perv.

_The four sit in awkward silence for awhile. When does Terrance and Phillip start?_

KYLE: Twenty minutes.

STAN: Crap. We have twenty minutes to kill. What do you wanna do, Kenny?

KENNY: (Jack off.)

STAN: That's stupid. That's all you ever wanna do.

KENNY (indignantly): (It's fun!)

KYLE: Well, what do you wanna do, Charlie?

CHARLIE: I dunno… whatever you wanna do.

STAN: What do you wanna do, Kyle?

KYLE: I dunno. It's your house. What do you wanna do?

_Pause._

STAN: This is retarded. Let's go watch the last fifteen minutes of Spongebob before Terrance and Phillip is on.

* * *

_The four are watching Spongebob on the couch with stony expressions._

SPONGEBOB: Patrick, do you want a Krabby Patty?

PATRICK: Uhhh…

SPONGEBOB: Hey, Squidward! How do you like my new pet jellyfish?

SQUIDWARD: [Mumbles angrily.]

MR. KRABS: Money!

KYLE: Dude, this show sucks.

_Spongebob ends with everyone laughing stupidly in a circle. Patrick is hitting himself on the head with a rock. All four stare stone-faced at the television._

TV Announcer: And now, the Terrance and Phillip program!

ALL: Hooray!

TERRANCE: Well, Phillip, it appears that we are in the Arctic among native Eskimos!

PHILLIP: It sure does Terrance. Hey, Terrance?

TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip?

_Phillip farts. Both of them laugh. The kids laugh._

TERRANCE: That was a good one Phillip!

PHILLIP: Oh look, there is the chief of the tribe! Hello there!

_The chief stares solemnly at the pair._

TERRANCE: Eskimo chief? Guess what? There's a magic rock on the ground!

_Eskimo chief looks surprised and excited._

TERRANCE: Look closer and you'll be able to see it.

_Chief leans down._

TERRANCE: Closer… Closer…

STAN: I know what he's gonna do!

_Terrance farts in the chief's face. Chief growls, the two laugh, and the chief starts to laugh too. The four kids laugh._

* * *

_The show is ending. The four are watching, transfixed, with smiles on their faces._

TERRANCE: Well, Phillip, although we couldn't persuade the Eskimos to convert to Catholicism, at least we got these wonderful jackets made out of whale blubber!

PHILLIP: Help! Mine's on fire! Help me Terrance!

_Terrance approaches Phillip, who farts in his face. The End. The four laugh._

STAN: That was sweet!

KENNY: (Those fart jokes never get old!)

KYLE: You got that right, Kenny.

STAN (glancing around): Hey, where's Charlie?

_Charlie is running down the stairs from Stan's room, pulling on her coat._

CHARLIE: I forgot I had to be home by four! I live all the way on the other side of town! I've got to go!

STAN: That's where Kenny lives. Maybe his mom could—

_She's gone._

KYLE: What was that about?

STAN: I dunno. Maybe her mom's really strict or something.

_Suddenly, Charlie opens the door again._

CHARLIE: Bathroom?

STAN: Right over there.

CHARLIE: Thanks.

_The three listen to the bathroom door slam, and about five seconds later they hear a flush and a running faucet._

CHARLIE: Bye!

She runs out the front door again.

STAN: What the hell was that?

KYLE: Maybe all girls act like that.

KENNY: (It's probably just PMS.)

_The three laugh._

STAN: What's PMS?


	2. Bloody Vomit

_The boys are standing at the bus stop. Cartman has a bandage on his nose. He's singing "The Long and Winding Road" to himself. The bus pulls up._

MS. CRABTREE: Hurry up! We're running late! And be quiet!

_The four get on the bus. Cartman is still singing/humming to himself._

KYLE (glances around): Hey, where's that new kid?

CARTMAN: Probably trying to get somebody else to kiss her ass. Next time I see her I swear to God I'll just be like, "Hey, you asshole! I… You stupid bitch! Go make me a pot pie!" And I'll kick her in the nuts or something.

STAN: Girls don't have nuts, Cartman.

CARTMAN: Really?

KYLE: I thought you knew that when you were trying to see if she had a penis yesterday. [He shrugs.]

CARTMAN (thinking): _Nuts are associated with the male anatomy?_

MS. CRABTREE: HEY! SHUT UP BACK THERE! I'M GONNA GET IN AN ACCIDENT AND SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET HURT!

_She pulls to a sharp stop. Most of the kids fall out of their seats._

MS. CRABTREE: Everybody off! Stay in line!

_The kids get off the bus and walk into the school._

* * *

_In the classroom, the students sit in their seats and Mr. Garrison stands next to his desk._

MR. GARRISON: All right kids, everybody get in your seat so I can take attendance. [Murmurs to himself] All right… Does anybody know where Charlie Pierzynski is?

STAN: She wasn't on the bus.

MR. GARRISON to Mr. Hat: Stupid kids. Late for school all the time. Sometimes I wanna—

MR. HAT: Calm down, Mr. Garrison. Remember: patience.

MR. GARRISON: [Sigh.] You're right, Mr. Hat. All right kids, first on the agenda today… Why don't you pass up your homework?

_Charlie walks in. She has a black eye and a band-aid on her nose. She gives a little note to Mr. Garrison. He reads it then looks questioningly at her._

MR. GARRISON: Are you sure?

_Charlie nods._

MR. GARRISON: …Okay. Well take your seat.

_Charlie sits down next to Kenny again._

MR. GARRISON: Now class, today we're starting our big unit on pioneers! Isn't that exciting?

_The class stares at him._

MR. HAT: It sure is, Mr. Garrison. Did you know that the U.S. bought a lot of its land-including some of Colorado-from France in the Louisiana Purchase?

MR. GARRISON: Wow, that's very interesting Mr. Hat! It was the Louisiana Purchase that allowed the pioneers to move west, since they now owned the land! Yes, Charlie?

Charlie vomits blood on her desk, then faints and falls off her chair. The sight of the vomit induces sickens Stan, who goes green before throwing up on his own desk.

MR. GARRISON: Well shit.

* * *

_Mr. Garrison is carrying Charlie and is followed by Kenny and Kyle. They're going to the nurse's office._

NURSE: Oh dear, what do we have here?

MR. GARRISON: I have no idea, but she came into class with a black eye—

KYLE: …and then she barfed blood and fainted!

KENNY: (It was awesome!)

CHARLIE (coming back to her senses): Put me down, let me down!

Mr. Garrison sets her down on one of the beds. She breathes deeply, then opens her eyes and sees the Nurse, Mr. Garrison, Kyle, and Kenny. She doesn't say anything, but she looks confused.

NURSE: You're at school, hun. You just got a little sick. Why don't you try to rest for awhile?

NURSE to Mr. Garrison: Do you think…?

MR. GARRISON: I'm not sure, she looked fine yesterday.

NURSE: I'll have to check. Kenny, could you hand me that tray of dangerous medical equipment? Be careful, those scalpels are very sharp!

_Kenny nervously approaches it, picks it up, and walks it over to the Nurse._

NURSE: Thank you.

_Kenny sighs in relief. Then he begins to hiccup. The Nurse pulls a sheet between her and Charlie and Mr. Garrison and the boys. Our view is from the boys' side of the curtain._

CHARLIE: What are you doing?

NURSE: Relax. Now take your coat off.

CHARLIE: I don't want to.

NURSE: You have to. [There's a brief pause.] Oh my goodness.

* * *

_Back in the classroom, everyone is quiet. A few of them are looking at the blood all over the desk. Stan still looks nauseous._

CARTMAN: You know, it's sort of funny that everything that she did to me yesterday is happening to her now.

STAN: What do you mean?

CARTMAN: Well, the bitch kicked me in the face and pretty much broke my nose, and now she's got a bandage on HER nose.

STAN: So?

CARTMAN: And THEN she puked blood. Yesterday I puked blood. Coincidence, or karma?

_The other kids stare at him. Meanwhile, Bebe is crying, and Wendy is comforting her._

BEBE: What happened to him?

WENDY: It's okay, I'm sure he'll be fine.

BEBE: My life is over!

STAN to Bebe: Um, Bebe?

BEBE: What?

STAN: I don't think you should go out with Charlie.

BEBE: Why not?

STAN: Well… Charlie's a girl.

BEBE: WHAT?

WENDY: Stan, why didn't you tell me that?

STAN: You wouldn't let me!

WENDY: But his or her name's Charlie!

STAN: She says it's short for Charlotte or something!

BEBE: I kissed her on the cheek! Oh my God!

_Bebe runs from the room, gagging._

WENDY: Why didn't she say something?

STAN: I dunno. Maybe 'cause you told her Bebe thought she was cute. That was pretty fucked up.

* * *

_Back in the nurse's office..._

NURSE to Mr. Garrison: She has bruises all over her arms and chest.

MR. GARRISON: Did she say where she got them?

NURSE: She said she ran into a fridge and fell down the stairs.

KYLE: That's what she told us all right. Wait—actually, I think she told us it was a table.

KENNY: (Yup, she said table.) Hic.

NURSE: I think I'll call her home.

KYLE: Is she gonna be okay?

NURSE: She should be fine. I'll talk to her mother about what happened and ask her to get her a doctor appointment. You boys should be getting back to class.

_Bebe runs into the room._

BEBE: I'm dying! I'm dying!

NURSE: What happened?

BEBE: I kissed a girl!

* * *

_Mr. Garrison, Kenny, Kyle, and Bebe have returned to the classroom with everyone else._

MR. GARRISON: I'm sorry about the interruption, class. Charlie should be okay, she's just going to miss the rest of the day.

STAN: Mr. Garrison?

MR. GARRISON: Yes, Stanley?

STAN (queasily): That bloody puke smells really bad Mr. Garrison.

MR. GARRISON: Oh. Right. Kenny, will you go get the janitor?

_Kenny sighs and leaves the room. And hiccups._

MR. GARRISON: Now, where was I…?

MR. HAT: The Louisiana Purchase, Mr. Garrison!

MR. GARRISON: Oh boy!

* * *

_Charlie is lying awake in the nurse's office without her jacket on. Instead, she's just wearing a light purple T-shirt. In addition to her black eye and injured nose, her arms are badly bruised. Suddenly, Mr. Mackey, the guidance counselor, comes into curtained-off cot._

MR. MACKEY: Hi there, I'm Mr. Mackey, your counselor, m'kay?

CHARLIE: …Okay.

MR. MACKEY: Now, as I understand it, you might be having some trouble at home, m'kay?

_He sits down in a chair._

MR. MACKEY: I just want you to know you can tell me about it, m'kay?

_Charlie stares at him._

MR. MACKEY: Let's start with the basics. Who is in your family?

CHARLIE: Well, I have a mom, and a little sister. She's four. And a little brother. He's just a baby.

MR. MACKEY: Does your Dad live with you?

CHARLIE: Not recently.

MR. MACKEY: M'kay. Do either of your parents do mar-juana?

_There's a brief pause._

CHARLIE: What?

MR. MACKEY: Do either of your parents do mar-juana?

CHARLIE: What's mar-juana?

MR. MACKEY: Mar-juana is a drug. Drugs are bad, m'kay?

CHARLIE: I don't know.

MR. MACKEY: Well, do your parents get angry at you very often?

CHARLIE: My mom's really strict. I like my dad a lot though.

MR. MACKEY: Do your parents ever hit you?

_Charlie hesitates._

MR. MACKEY: Do your parents ever hit you?

CHARLIE: …No.

MR. MACKEY [taking notes]: M'kay. I noticed you're all bruised up, Charlie. How'd you get those bruises?

CHARLIE: Why do I have to tell you?

MR. MACKEY: I just need to get the facts down, m'kay?

CHARLIE: Yesterday I ran into a refrigerator and today I fell down the stairs into the basement.

MR. MACKEY: M'kay. Nurse Gollum called your mom.

_Charlie stares._

MR. MACKEY: She says she's too busy to pick you up, m'kay? She also says that you have bad allergies.

CHARLIE: Oh… yeah.

MR. MACKEY: So she says you don't need to go to the hospital. She just said to give you an inhaler.

CHARLIE: …Okay.

MR. MACKEY: Have you thrown up blood because of allergies before?

CHARLIE: Oh, yeah. Loads of times.

MR. MACKEY: Oh really. Then do you know what… [pulls out an inhaler dramatically]… this is?

CHARLIE: …An inhaler?

MR. MACKEY: …Oh. Yes, it is. Um, I'll be just down the hall if you ever want to talk to me about anything, m'kay?

CHARLIE: Okay. Thanks.

_Mr. Mackey leaves, leaving the inhaler on the bed. Charlie picks it up, sprays a little bit of the medicine into the air, and coughs._

* * *

_That day after school, the kids are getting onto the bus. Charlie is really pale and looks sick and tired._

KYLE: Why wouldn't your mom pick you up?

CHARLIE: She was just busy. It's okay. I'm fine.

CARTMAN: Well then, I guess you won't mind if I kick you in the nuts!

_He kicks Charlie in the crotch._

CHARLIE (grabbing her crotch): Ow! What was that for?

CARTMAN: See? See, I told you guys it was a boy!

CHARLIE: I'm not a boy!

CARTMAN: Well, then, why did it hurt when I kicked you in the nuts?

CHARLIE: Well first of all, I'm not numb down there or anything. It still hurts. Just not as much.

_There's a pause._

CARTMAN: Really?

CHARLIE: Yes. And second, for the last time: I do not have nuts.

_Kenny hiccups a few times._

STAN: Wow, Kenny. You've had the hiccups almost all day.

_Kenny shrugs._

KYLE: Isn't it annoying?

_Kenny shrugs again. They all climb on the bus. Cartman and Kenny sit together, Stan and Kyle sit together, and Charlie sits next to Butters._

BUTTERS: Are you contagious?

CHARLIE: I don't think so.

BUTTERS: Are you sure?

CHARLIE: Pretty sure.

BUTTERS: Positive?

CHARLIE: No.

_Butters shudders a little and turns away._

KYLE to Charlie: Fat-ass says we can't go to his house today for some reason. Do you wanna come to my house with Stan and me? Or are you too sick?

CHARLIE (smiling a little): Well, I have to be home by four, but sure.

* * *

_Kyle, Stan, Ike, and Charlie are sitting on the floor in Kyle's room when Mrs. Broflovski (Sheila) knocks on the door and peeks in._

SHEILA: Kyle, sweetie, can I talk to you for a minute?

KYLE: Mo-om!

SHEILA: Now, Kyle!

_They walk into the hall. Stan shrugs at Charlie. Ike crawls into her lap._

IKE: Kyle.

SHEILA: Kyle, I don't think I'm comfortable with you playing with your new friend.

KYLE: Why not?

SHEILA: Well, he's dirty and bruised… Did he get in a fight today?

KYLE: No. She came to school like that. And she says she's a girl.

SHEILA: Kyle, how many times have I told you to talk with me before you have a girl come to our house?

KYLE: Never. I don't think it's ever come up before.

SHEILA: Well, if that girl starts a fight or hurts any of you boys, you just come get me, all right, Kyle?

KYLE: But—

SHEILA: Kyle.

KYLE: …All right. Sure, Mom.

_Sheila kisses him on his forehead._

SHEILA: That's my good little boy.

_Kyle walks back into the room._

SHEILA: Keep the door open with a girl in your room, Kyle.

KYLE: Mo-om!

SHEILA: And watch Ike, all right sweetie?

KYLE (muttering): Stupid baby.

_Charlie bounces Ike on her knees; he's giggling and saying "Kyle" with every bounce._

KYLE: Shut up, Ike!

CHARLIE: Your little brother's so cute, Kyle.

KYLE: You just think that 'cause you're a girl. And he's not my brother. He's adopted.

CHARLIE: I still think he's cute.

_Ike crawls up to Kyle._

IKE: Brother.

KYLE: Shut up, Ike!

IKE: Don't kick the baby.

KYLE: Shut up!

CHARLIE: You're mean, Kyle. I love my little siblings.

KYLE: I bet yours aren't so goddamn annoying, then.

STAN: I hate my sister.

KYLE: EVERYONE hates your sister, Stan. She's such a b—

STAN: Shut up, Kyle!

KYLE (to the tune of "Kyle's Mom is a Bitch"): "Stan's sister is a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world…"

STAN: Don't use that against me, you asshole!

CHARLIE: Jesus, shut up, you guys!

_Sheila rushes into the room._

SHEILA: Did I just hear someone say the J word?

_All stare at her._

IKE: Kyle.

SHEILA: This is a JEWISH household, young lady, and we NEVER say the J word. Kyle, I think it's about time for your new "friend" to go home. [She leaves the room, mumbling.] And in front of Ike too; what a terrible influence.

CHARLIE: … I'm sorry for saying the J word.

STAN: Don't worry. There's no such thing. Kyle's mom just doesn't like you.

CHARLIE: Oh.

KYLE: Sorry about that.

_Charlie looks at the clock. It's 3:56._

CHARLIE: Oh no! I'm going to be late! My mom's gonna kill me!

KYLE (thinking): Kill you?

CHARLIE: I'll see you at school tomorrow, I guess. Bye!

_She grabs her backpack and runs from the room._

KYLE: I think something's up.

STAN: So?

KYLE: So… do you want to play undercover spies?


	3. Oh That Child Abuse

_Kyle and Stan are crouching in some bushes, wearing sunglasses, and carrying fake walkie-talkies. Kyle is also using a pair of binoculars._

KYLE: Chht, Agent Blue, this is Agent Green. Do you read me? Over. Chht.

STAN: Chht. Agent Green, this is Agent Blue. Roger that, I read you loud and clear. Over. Chht.

KYLE: Chht. Ten-four. The target is in visibility at nine-o'clock. Over. Chht.

_Charlie is walking as fast as she can in her condition away from the Broflovski house. She looks nervous, staring at the sidewalk and wringing her hands together. The boys are about a block behind her._

KYLE: Deploying jet-packs. Over. Chht.

_The two follow her across town and across the train tracks._

STAN: Chht. Agent Green, I think it's about my turn to use the binoculars. Over. Chht.

KYLE: Chht. Negative, Agent Blue. This is my mission, so I get the binoculars. Over. Chht.

STAN [angry]: Chht. Well you look stupid, Agent Green. Over. Chht.

KYLE: Chht. Mission control, this is Agent Green, not giving a shit. Over. Chht.

STAN: Look, do you wanna fight about this?

KYLE: Fine! Whatever. Take the stupid binoculars.

STAN: Wait… Dude, where'd she go?

_They scan the sidewalk, but she's gone. Suddenly they hear yelling from the front step of a house. It's the house next to Kenny's. Charlie is at the doorstep, looking down submissively before her angry mother._

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: When I say four o'clock, I mean four-fucking-o'clock. Get in here!

_She grabs Charlie by the front of her jacket and pulls her inside, slamming the door behind her. Stan and Kyle stare open-mouthed._

STAN: …Dude!

_They run up to Kenny's door and ring the doorbell. Kenny opens the door and hiccups._

KYLE: Uh, hey Kenny. Can we use your backyard?

_Kenny shrugs, and then hiccups and nods okay. They hear a toilet flush. Cartman comes up laughing._

CARTMAN: Dude, you should've seen the log I just laid. Your crappy plumbing will be backed up for weeks!

_Cartman sees Stan and Kyle and frowns._

CARTMAN: Um, Kenny? Do you remember when I explicitly asked you not to invite over these assholes?

KENNY: (I didn't. They just came to the door.)

STAN: Yeah dude, we just need to do something really quick.

CARTMAN (sighing and rolling his eyes): Whatever.

_Kyle and Stan, followed by Kenny and Cartman (who stays further back than the others and entertains himself with a Megaman toy), head into Kenny's backyard and crouch in the bushes between the McCormick's and the Pierzynski's. They can here shouting and slamming inside. Suddenly the back door opens up. They duck down. Ms. Pierzynski pushes Charlie outside. Charlie's nose is bleeding._

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: And I swear, if that goddamned school has a reason to call me again in the middle of the day, you will live to regret it! You stay out here until I come get you, you understand?

_The door slams. Charlie takes a few steps out of the view of the door, then sits down and starts to cry. Then Kenny hiccups. Charlie looks up and is horrified to see the boys. She tries to wipe off the blood onto her sleeve and hide her tears. She looks extremely nervous._

KYLE: Dude, are you okay?

_Charlie looks anxiously at the door and then back at the boys. She apprehensively crawls toward them._

CHARLIE (whispering throughout this scene): What are you doing here?

KENNY: (I live here.)

CHARLIE: I know that, I meant those two.

STAN: Who cares, your mom is a psycho! Do you want us to call the police or something?

CHARLIE: No! No. Don't do that. I'm fine.

_There's a pause._

STAN: You're joking, right?

CHARLIE: Listen, my mom just has a bad temper. She's really stressed out. It was my fault for being late anyway. I was supposed to be here to watch my little brother and sister.

_Stan and Kyle look uneasy. Kenny hiccups._

STAN: Alright dude.

_He gets up with his hands in his pockets and walks over to where Cartman is._

KYLE: …Is this where you got all the bruises and stuff?

_Charlie looks down, then shrugs._

KYLE: We need to tell somebody.

CHARLIE: No! Please don't tell, Kyle! It's okay. I'm fine.

KYLE: I don't know.

CHARLIE: Promise you won't tell anyone.

Kyle doesn't say anything. Charlie punches him in the arm.

CHARLIE: Promise!

KYLE (annoyed, rubbing his arm): Ow, fine! I promise.

CHARLIE: You swear? You really mean it?

KYLE: [Sigh.] …I promise not to tell anyone.

_Charlie looks calmer._

CHARLIE: Thanks, Kyle.

_Kenny hiccups. Ms. Pierzynski's voice can be heard from inside._

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: Charlie? Sweetie pie?

CHARLIE [to Kyle and Kenny]: Get away quick.

_She crawls back over to where she was before. Kyle and Kenny duck down as the door opens. Ms. Pierzynski walks over to where Charlie sits submissively and crouches down next to her, an arm around her back. Charlie wrings her hands and looks at the ground._

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: Charlie, I'm sorry, sweetheart. I just wish you wouldn't be late all the time.

CHARLIE: I'm sorry, Mom.

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: You know I love you, sweetheart.

CHARLIE: I love you too, Mom.

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: Now come on inside. I have work and you have to watch Beck and Davy.

_The two disappear into the house. Kenny hiccups. Then they go back into Kenny's yard. Kyle naturally looks troubled. Stan walks up to him._

STAN: This is pretty fucked up right here.

KYLE: Yep.

STAN: Chht. So… what now, Agent Green? Over. Chht.

* * *

_The next day at the bus stop, Cartman is once again singing "The Long and Winding Road." This goes on for a bit, and Kenny (who's looking a little pale and sickly) occasionally hiccups._

KYLE: Dammit, would you shut up, fat-ass?

_Cartman starts singing louder. The other three groan and cover their ears. Charlie walks up. She looks the same as yesterday but with the addition of a purple, swollen nose._

CHARLIE (in a somewhat nasally tone): Hi, guys.

STAN: Hi Charlie. Did your bitch mom beat you up again?

CHARLIE: She's not a bitch! This is the bloody nose from yesterday, dumbass.

CARTMAN: I have an idea. Let's play the "bitchy moms" game. I'll go first: Kyle's mom.

KYLE: Hey, shut up, fat-ass!

CARTMAN: What was that? You want to go next? Well okay Kyle. Can you think of a bitchy mom?

_Kyle and Charlie glare at him._

CARTMAN: Like, do you know any moms who force their kids to be vegetarians, or beat the living shit out of them, or anything like that?

_They keep glaring. Kenny and Stan start laughing. The bus pulls up._

MS. CRABTREE: C'mon! We're runnin' late!

STAN: Hey, shut up, you fucking skank!

MS. CRABTREE: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

STAN: I said, "What's up, you lucky… tank."

MS. CRABTREE: …Oh. Not much, thanks for asking.

_The kids get on the bus and sit down_

CHARLIE (in a nervous attempt to break the tension and change the subject): Hey, did you guys see _Terrance and Phillip_ yesterday?

KENNY: (No, we were all too busy not being beaten up by our parents.) Hic.

_Stan, Kenny, and Cartman laugh._

CHARLIE: Hey, shut up, you fucking… fuck face or I'm going to… I swear, I…

_Her nose starts to bleed. The boys continue laughing. Charlie glares and covers her nose, getting blood on her gloves. Kyle, who sits across the aisle from her, glances around._

KYLE: Uh, Charlie?

CHARLIE: Yeah?

KYLE: You know how you said you didn't want me to talk about—

CHARLIE (in an edgier tone): Yeah?

KYLE: I was wondering if you still were sure—

CHARLIE: I'm sure, Kyle. I'm absolutely sure. Remember: you promised.

KYLE: [Sigh.] Yeah.

* * *

_In the classroom…_

MR. GARRISON: Okay, children, take your seats now.

CARTMAN (whispering): Hey, Charlie… Guess who I am.

_He punches Pip in the stomach, knocking him off his seat._

PIP: Good heavens!

CHARLIE: Shut up, fat-ass!

MR. GARRISON: That's enough, now, children. It's time to start our oral presentations. Who wants to go first? Alright, Bebe, you're up.

_Bebe walks to the front of the class._

BEBE: Ahem. This is a story of trust, of love, of betrayal… But mostly, it's the story of how I was tricked into believing that a girl was a boy, and my inner struggle throughout this experience, and after.

_Charlie covers her face with her hands._

MR. GARRISON: Um, you're supposed to talk about a famous scientist from hist—

BEBE: It was a crisp fall afternoon when I entered the elementary school with a dear friend. I had just had my hair done, and it flowed to my waist in curly golden locks. When I entered the room, all of the boys gasped in astonishment at my beauty. Except for Stan, because he's Wendy's boyfriend. He gasped at astonishment at Wendy's beauty.

MR. GARRISON: Bebe, can we—

BEBE: One boy, new, whose countenance I had never before looked upon, remained unmoved by my beauty. I was intrigued, taken aback by his sullen demeanor. But all was not as it seemed.

MR. GARRISON: Okay, C minus. Take your seat Bebe.

BEBE: What? I didn't even get to finish!

MR. GARRISON: We all know what happens. Charlie is a little girl. How embarrassing. Take your seat, Bebe.

* * *

_Lunchtime: the boys and Charlie stand in line in front of Chef._

CHEF: Hello, children!

KIDS: Hey, Chef.

CHEF: It's Thursday! And you all know what that means!

BOYS: Salisbury steak!

CHEF: Ha ha, that's right! [He looks at Charlie. Charlie stares back.] Hmm, I don't think I've seen you children in my cafeteria before.

KYLE: Oh, Chef, this is Charlie. She's a girl.

CARTMAN: Yeah, she's just kinda butchy.

CHEF: Nice to meet, children. Try my delicious Salisbury steak. It's best hot.

CHARLIE: Thanks, Chef.

_All of them leave but Kyle._

CHEF: Is something wrong, children?

KYLE: Chef, what would be the best thing to do if I knew someone's mom was hitting them, and hurting them really badly, but I promised that person I wouldn't tell anyone?

CHEF: Children, the best thing to do is always to talk to an adult. You should talk to Mr. Mackey, the cracker counselor. It's never a good idea to keep that kind of thing a secret.

KYLE: Thanks, Chef.

* * *

_Meanwhile, at the boys' table, Charlie hops onto a seat next to Kenny and pokes at her lunch. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny glance at each other dubiously._

CARTMAN to Charlie: Um… What do you think you're doing?

CHARLIE: I was going to eat some Salisbury steak, if that's okay with you.

CARTMAN: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, that's fine… Why don't you go eat that… somewhere else…?

CHARLIE: Why?

CARTMAN: Because I want you to go the fuck away from here. Sheesh. Stupid man-girl.

CHARLIE: I don't care what you want, fatso. Kyle would let me sit here.

CARTMAN: Well Kyle isn't here right now, is he?

CHARLIE: I can sit here, right Stan?

STAN: I don't wanna get in the middle of this.

CHARLIE: …Kenny?

KENNY: Hic.

CHARLIE: Fine. I don't need to sit here. I can go sit with… [She stares blankly at the rest of the student body.] (Incoherent mumbling.)

_Charlie walks up to the girls' table. Wendy and Bebe glare at her and look away. Charlie sighs, then goes to sit with Butters._

BUTTERS: Uh, hey there.

CHARLIE: Hi.

BUTTERS: You wanna see my super-cool comic book I made? It's called, "Butter-Man and the Invasion of the Bad Guys."

_Charlie doesn't say anything._

* * *

_Meanwhile, Kyle returns to the boys' table._

KYLE: Dude, where'd Charlie go?

STAN: Cartman told her to take her shit somewhere else.

KYLE: What? Why the hell'd you do that, you jerk?

CARTMAN: Because, I hate her almost as much as I hate your people, Kyle.

KYLE: You suck.

CARTMAN: "Kyle and Charlie sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-"

KYLE: Shut up! Shut up, Cartman!

CARTMAN (singing): I've waited all my life for you, and now you're here…

KYLE: Damn it! Shut up!

* * *

_Back to Butters and Charlie…_

BUTTERS: Okay, see, I drew all the pictures and everything. I didn't staple it, 'cause my mom says I'm going to staple my fingers instead of the paper. So I just taped it together instead.

_Charlie looks at the comic book. There are stick figures and illegible dialogue bubbles._

CHARLIE: It's… nice, Butters.

_Butters looks thrilled._

BUTTERS: You really think so?

CHARLIE: Sure. I mean, it's got… pictures, and characters, and… those look like words, and a story… All the necessary elements for a decent comic book. All right there.

BUTTERS: Aw, shucks, you're the nicest, Charlie. Eric said it was a stupid pile of baby turds.

CHARLIE: He was probably just jealous of all that raw talent. I mean, who wouldn't be?

BUTTERS (tearing up): Charlie… you… that's the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me.

_Kyle comes up and sits with them. He looks pissed._

KYLE: Cartman's a smelly pig-ass.

CHARLIE: Yeah, I know.

BUTTERS: Hey Kyle, wanna see my comic book? Charlie says it's "nice," and that I have "raw talent."

_Kyle flips through the book. He looks up at Butters, who is smiling eagerly. He looks at Charlie. She smiles and shrugs._

KYLE: Yep, it's definitely nice, all right.

BUTTERS: Whoopee! This is the best day of my life.

_Charlie keeps smiling at Kyle. Kyle smiles back nervously._

* * *

_Kyle sits with Mr. Mackey in the counseling office._

MR. MACKEY: So, what exactly is it that you wanted to talk about, Kyle? Is everything okay?

KYLE: Yeah… Well, with me, I mean. I kind of wanted to talk with you about someone else.

MR. MACKEY: Well you can tell me anything, m'kay?

KYLE: Yeah. It's about, uh, Charlie Pierzynski.

MR. MACKEY: Oh, the new girl in your class?

KYLE: Yeah. Um, I saw her yesterday after school, and… well, I saw her mom hitting her and yelling at her, and-

MR. MACKEY: Thank goodness you told me, Kyle. Telling an adult is always the right thing to do, m'kay? I promise, I'll do everything I can to deal with this issue and help little Charlie.

KYLE: Um, Mr. Mackey?

MR. MACKEY: Yes, Kyle?

KYLE: Could you promise not to tell Charlie that I told you?

MR. MACKEY: Of course, Kyle. Confidentiality is our only policy, m'kay?

KYLE: …M'kay.

* * *

_On the bus on the way home, Kenny looks pale and tired. He's hiccupping almost constantly now. Kyle and Stan sit with each other and Charlie sits with Kenny behind them. Cartman is sitting nearby by himself._

CHARLIE: Wow, Kenny, you don't look so good.

_Kenny, completely detached from reality, just hiccups._

CHARLIE: Guys, I think Kenny's real sick.

STAN: Yep. He sure is.

_Charlie scoots a bit away from Kenny, mirroring Butters' behavior towards her the previous afternoon._

CARTMAN: Hey, guys… Guess who I am. [He punches Kenny from across the aisle.] "Hey, you dumb-ass kid! I'm gonna beat the shit out of you! Go… play with a doll, you stupid girl!"

_This time, all four of the others glare at him. The bus stops, and the five get off. Kenny hiccups._

CARTMAN: Well, screw you guys, I'm going home.

_He walks away. Kenny hiccups, then vomits and collapses._

CHARLIE: Jeez! Are you okay?

_Kenny slowly gets back to his feet. He nods, then hiccups. Then the bus pulls back._

MS. CRABTREE: Hey, you forgot your medieval armaments on the bus again!

She throws a heap of chains, swords, maces, etc. on top of Kenny and drives away. Blood seeps out from under the pile.

STAN: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

KYLE: You bastard!

_There's a pause as Stan and Kyle look at the bloody heap. Charlie does too, but open-mouthed and horrified._

CHARLIE: Oh my God! He's dead!

STAN: Yep. He sure is.

CHARLIE: …Oh my God!

_Kyle approaches Charlie, who still stares at the bloody mess._

KYLE: Um, Charlie? Do you want to come over to my house?

CHARLIE: I think I'd better get home early today. I don't want to get in trouble again.

KYLE: Oh… yeah, okay.

CHARLIE: But Kyle?

KYLE: Yeah?

CHARLIE: Thanks for keeping my secret. I know you just wanted to help, but telling would have probably just caused problems.

KYLE: Oh. Uh… you're welcome.

_Charlie walks away. Kyle looks worried._

* * *

_Outside of the McCormick and Pierzynski houses, Charlie walks up to her front door. Before she can open it, her mother does._

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: You had better have an answer for me!

CHARLIE: W-What?

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: Don't get smart with me, you little skank! Who were you complaining about my parenting to, huh? Your little friend the school guidance counselor? You are going to live to regret this, you mark my words.

_She grabs Charlie drags her into the house. The sounds of shouting and muffled cries are heard. Then screaming, then silence._

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: …Charlie? …Get up, honey. Charlie? …Charlotte, you get up. Stop pretending. …Oh God.

_Ms. Pierzynski runs out of her front door. Mrs. McCormick comes out of her house at the same time._

Mrs. McCORMICK: You keep that little demon of yours quiet, you hear me? One more screamin' fit and I'm calling the police!

_Ms. Pierzynski just runs away from the houses._

* * *

_Kyle walks up to the Pierzynski house. He knocks on the door once, and it opens by itself. Kyle looks around nervously, then walks in._

KYLE: Uh… Um, hello? Is anybody here?

_Kyle walks further into the house. The lights are all off. It's a mess._

KYLE: …Charlie?

BECCA: She's sleeping.

_Kyle yelps, startled. A little girl, about four or five, comes out of the shadows._

KYLE: …Who are you?

BECCA: I'm Becca Rezinski. Charlie is sleeping.

_Kyle stares at her, then walks further into the house. A baby is crying in a crib in the main room._

KYLE: Charlie?

_He reaches the bathroom and sees Charlie lying unconscious on the floor. She's covered in blood and vomit. Kyle covers his mouth, horrified. Becca walks up behind him._

BECCA: Do we get pizza tonight?


	4. A Really Bad Hospital

**Threadbare South Park  
Episode #2: "Brainwashing"**  
(TSP Season 1 Episode 2)

* * *

_NOTE: I do not own South Park, but I wish I did. This piece is written in the form of a script. It contains naughty language and a surprisingly tolerable original character. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled. Enjoy._

* * *

ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY THREADBARE...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.

* * *

_There are police cars, ambulances, and fire trucks in front of Charlie's house. Kyle is wrapped in a blanket on the curb, looking terrified. He's holding a baby boy, and Becca is sitting next to him._

Becca: Is Charlie okay?

Kyle: I don't know.

Becca: Where's my mommy?

Kyle: I don't know.

Becca: Who—

Kyle: Please be quiet.

_The girl stops talking. A police officer comes up to the kids._

Officer: Kid, we have to ask you a few questions.

Kyle: Me?

Officer: Yeah, you, buddy. Don't mess around.

_Just then, Sheila runs up._

Sheila: Kyle! Kyle, sweetheart, what happened?

Officer: Ma'am, is this your son?

Sheila: Yes.

Officer: We have to take him in for questioning.

_Sheila looks horrified and Kyle looks mad._

Kyle: What the hell for? I didn't do anything!

Sheila: I can assure you, officer, my son is a good kid.

Officer: Don't be a bitch, ma'am. I'm just doing my job. I have to ask him a few questions about the whole situation.

Sheila: Excuse me?

Kyle: Mom, could you hold the baby?

Sheila: Well, I—

_Kyle hands the baby to a confused Sheila and walks away with the officer._

Officer to Kyle: All right, son, we just want to get the facts. How did you find the girl?

Kyle: I was coming over to… to visit, and there were no parents home. Her little sister just let me in. And I found her on the ground and called 9-1-1. [Pause] Is she dead?

Officer: No, son, but I have to ask you an important question: Did you try to kill the little girl?

Kyle: No!

Officer: All right. We have someone special to talk to you a little more; a certified psychoanalyst.

_Mr. Mackey walks up._

Mr. Mackey: Hey Kyle.

Kyle: Mr. Mackey?

Mr. Mackey: I'm on the police force during weekends and afternoons. I need to talk to you for a little while in my office, m'kay?

Kyle: …M'kay.

* * *

_It's the next day at school. The boys are sitting in their normal places, with Cartman in what was Charlie's desk. Everyone looks content but Kyle, who has bags under his eyes._

Stan to Kyle: Dude, what happened yesterday?

Kyle: Apparently, Charlie's bitch mom tried to murder her. And Mr. Mackey grilled me about it for six hours.

Stan: Dude!

_Mr. Garrison enters the classroom with some books and Mr. Hat._

Mr. Garrison: All right, class, let's settle down and get started! In light of recent events, Mr. Hat is going to put on a special presentation for you today.

Mr. Hat: That's right, Mr. Garrison! It's called CAMAD; Child Abusers/Molesters Are Dangerous. [He writes the acronym on the board]. Class, say that with us.

Class: Child abusers/molesters are dangerous.

Mr. Garrison: Good! Thanks, Mr. Hat. Now I'm going to continue on this topic for just a few minutes before we get started with our normal classes. First off, let's define child abuse. Kyle, what's child abuse?

Kyle: I wasn't raising my hand.

Mr. Garrison: I know. What's child abuse, Kyle?

Kyle: When an adult beats up a child.

Mr. Garrison: You've got the right idea, Kyle. But there's more to child abuse than just that. DAPDET is another acronym you can use to help you remember what can cause child abuse in a lot of cases. DAPDET means "Drunk, Angry Parents Do Evil Things". So stay out of your parents' way when they come home from a party, kids. Now, child abusers can be a parent or another adult close to a child doing things like hitting them, forcing them to eat or drink something dangerous, starving them, or molesting them. Does anyone know what molesting is? Yes, Butters?

Butters: That's when your Grandpa pulls down your pants and takes pictures of you, and then touches your privates. But he stops before your mom comes to take you home. Then they come and take him to a special place.

Mr. Garrison: …Um, right. Child molestation is when an adult touches a child in a private area or asks a child to touch them in their private area. Now, this is the most important part of this subject, kids. If you ever, ever think that you or someone you know is being abused, tell an adult right away, even if the person asks you not to. TARA, remember that – Tell an Adult Right Away. You could talk to me, the guidance counselor, your parent, or the principal. We're your friends, remember that.

Stan: No you're not.

Mr. Garrison: Shut up, Stan, it's just a phrase. And you shouldn't be talking. YOU and your little friends didn't TARA, and now a little girl is in the hospital.

Kyle: Mr. Garrison?

Mr. Garrison: What?

Kyle: I did TARA, or at least, I told somebody the next day. But that only made it worse. Mr. Mackey called Charlie's mom and that's when she hurt Charlie really bad.

Mr. Garrison: Okay, class, let me correct myself: you can talk to me, a parent, or the principal, but please, do NOT talk to Mr. Mackey. He's a complete dumb shit. Now are there any questions? Yes, Bebe?

Bebe: Is she going to die?

Mr. Garrison: We don't think so, Bebe, but thanks for asking. I'm sure that we're all very worried about Charlie, right class?

_There are scattered nods. Cartman shoots a spitball into Pip's face._

Mr. Garrison: Good. So now that we have THAT talk done out of the way, let's move on to the Oregon Trail!

_The class groans._

Mr. Garrison: Shut up, you little faggots! I think this is just as retarded as you do, so we'll have to grin and bear it together, alright?

* * *

_At lunchtime, The four boys line up in front of Chef in the cafeteria. Kyle is scowling._

Chef: Hello children! How are you doing today?

All but Kyle: Fine, Chef.

Kyle: I dunno, Chef, I'm a little pissed off.

Chef: What's wrong, children?

Kyle: Well, yesterday, you told me to tell the guidance counselor about what was going on. So I told him. Then he called the Charlie's mom, and now she's in the hospital.

Chef: Oh, children, that's a tough situation, isn't it?

Cartman: Can all of us who don't give a crap get our food now?

_Chef gives Cartman his food. Kenny hands over his tray too. They both leave._

Kyle: Got any other bright ideas of how I can "help" people, Chef?

Chef: Now, children, I know you might all be a little confused. Let me sing you a little song that could help you understand… "When you're feelin' down and blue, there's just one thing you should do… I'm gonna make love to you woman, I'm gonna lay you down—"

Kyle: Goddamn it, Chef! Thanks a lot.

_Kyle walks away angrily. Stan follows uncomfortably._

Kyle (mumbling): Goddamn idiot, he doesn't know anything about anything.

Cartman: I always sort of liked that song: "I'm gonna make love to ya woman…" [Continues humming.]

Kyle: Shut up, fat-ass.

Cartman: Well, SOMEBODY'S a little cranky today.

Kyle: I said to shut up.

Cartman (mimicking): I said to shut up!

Kyle: Cut it out!

Cartman: Cut it out!

Kyle: That's mature.

Cartman: That's mature.

Kyle: I'm a fat ugly bastard.

Cartman: Yeah, you're a fat ugly bastard with a stupid fat bitch-whore for a mom and a scrawny-dicked Canadian little brother!

Kyle: I hate you. So much.

* * *

_At Hell's Gate hospital, there are doctors in a room standing around a patient. They are taking notes and studying her carefully. The heart machine goes steady for a minute before speeding up for a moment, then becoming a constant, long beep. The main doctor is a young and sort of buff man._

Doctor: No! No! Don't give up on us now, kid! Come on, you've done so well!

_The child can't be seen, but blood splatters onto the face of the doctor._

Doctor: Noooo! It's times like this when I hate my job. [He takes off his stethoscope and sighs.] Another one bites the dust. [A nurse wipes the blood off of his forehead.] Thanks, Mindy. Please, dispose of the body. And be gentle.

_The nurse picks up the body and hurls it out the window. The doctor looks out at a huge pile of corpses rotting behind the hospital._

Doctor (mumbling to himself): This is a really bad hospital.

_Another nurse rushes up._

Nurse: The new patient is in. She's in room 224.

_The doctor sighs deeply._

Doctor: Mindy, cover for me for a few minutes. [He sits in a couch outside the room he was in earlier.] I've got to take a breather.

Mindy: Certainly, doctor.

_Mindy walks into room 224. Charlie is unconscious on a bed with many tubes, monitors, and wires attached to her. Mindy picks up a clipboard on the counter of the room and reads it._

Mindy: Mhm. Mhm. Oh dear. Oh my.

_After a few moments, the doctor walks in._

Doctor: What's the issue here, Mindy?

Mindy: This girl was beaten and fed bleach, doctor.

Doctor: Great balls of fire!

Mindy: It was her mother.

Doctor: What is this world coming to? Mothers beating their children, hospitals dumping corpses out the windows, global warming. All this pressure. I hate my job.

Mindy: What can we do?

Doctor: Hybrid cars, that's the best way, Mindy. Hybrid cars.

Mindy: No, I mean the girl, Doctor.

Doctor: Oh, yes, of course. Well, normally we would start by administering E… Epi… [Sigh] The medicine that makes you throw up.

Mindy: Epicac, Doctor.

Doctor: Yes, that. But in her state of unconsciousness, we should use laxatives.

Mindy (quite dubiously): Laxatives?

Doctor: Yes, laxatives. Mountains of laxatives. We need to get the peroxide out of her system, Nurse. You know where to find them, right?

Mindy (sighing): Yes doctor, I'll go get the laxatives out of your car.

Doctor (tossing her the keys): My Hybrid, Mindy. It's a hybrid.

_Mindy walks out. She returns a moment later._

Mindy: There are two little kids out here, doctor.

_The doctor walks out of the room to investigate. There is an annoyed-looking fireman holding a baby, and a little girl is swinging around on his legs, singing a song dramatically._

Fireman: What the hell am I supposed to do with two little kids, man? Get them some danged babysitters. [He hands the baby to Mindy]. Took you long enough to get out here, anyway.

He shakes Becca off his leg and stomps away.

Mindy: We have to find temporary homes for these children, Doctor.

Doctor: Of course. Now put down the baby and get those laxatives, pronto.

_Mindy sighs, hands the doctor the baby, and walks away. The doctor puts the baby on the ground in the room. He starts to crawl around. The doctor flips through the sheets on the clipboard._

Doctor: Contacts, contacts… Ah, contacts!

_There are five lines. Only one is filled out in kiddie handwriting as "Kyle Broflovski" with a phone number._

Doctor: Kyle… Br… Brof… Bruffle… Bruh… Bruh…

_This continues for a little while until Mindy returns with the car keys, laxatives, and an "Us" magazine._

Mindy: [Indicating the magazine] Just in case you get bored again, Doctor.

Doctor: Ah, thank you, Nurse. I think I might have some place to put the kids. Kyle Brof… Bruh…

_Mindy looks at the sheet._

Mindy: Broflovski, Doctor. It's Broflovski.

Doctor: Right. [He squints his eyes dramatically.] Broflovski.


	5. Cat's in the Cradle

_Kyle comes home from school, looking exhausted. He slams the door behind him and leans against it, sighing. Suddenly, his mother shouts to him from the kitchen._

Sheila: Kyle, get in here, NOW.

Kyle (tiredly): What is it, Mom?

Sheila: NOW.

_Kyle sighs again as he walks into the kitchen. He looks startled when he sees his mother changing a baby's diaper on the table. The baby is obviously the same one he had held the day prior outside of Charlie's house. His eyes dart around for several nervous seconds as he ponders what to say._

Kyle: ….You didn't tell me you were going to have another baby, Mom!

Sheila: You have a lot of explaining to do, young man.

* * *

_One long conversation later, Sheila and Kyle are sitting on the couch together. Davy sits passively on the floor and Ike pokes at him occasionally, cooing._

Sheila: I just don't feel comfortable with you giving out our phone number to random people on the street, Kyle.

Kyle: Mom. It was a police officer.

Sheila: That's even worse! And now we're trapped with the responsibility of having another baby in our house for an indefinite length of time! Why do you think we adopted? Do I look like the person who wants to go through the pains of rearing an infant again?

_Kyle looks at his mom for a moment._

Kyle: No.

_There is a brief pause as Sheila stares at her son, looking slightly offended._

Sheila: Excuse me?

Just then, the phone rings.

Sheila: We're not done with this, Kyle. Don't move a muscle. [She gets up and walks to the kitchen, where she picks up the phone. Kyle follows her.] Hello? …Right now? We're in the middle of a really important—Oh. Well, don't be long.

_She hands the phone to Kyle._

Sheila: It's your friend Stanley.

_Kyle puts the phone to his ear. Sheila walks to the sink and begins washing dishes._

Kyle: Hello?

Stan: Dude, I heard about the baby!

Kyle (covering his mouth so his mom can't tell what he's saying): Yeah. My mom's pretty pissed off.

Stan: Well, you won't believe where Charlie's other sibling is.

Kyle: What, do you have her?

* * *

_Eric Cartman and his mother sit on the couch in the Cartman home. Eric is visibly distressed._

Cartman: Mo-om, I don't want another kid in our house!

Liane: Oh, sweetie, it'll only be for a little while. Don't worry.

Cartman (pretending to cry as dramatic music plays): But… don't you love me? Am I not good enough for you? [He sobs dramatically.]

Liane: Oh, Eric, sweetheart… I love you more than anything else in the whole world, you know that.

Cartman: Yeah? Yeah, if that was true, then you wouldn't shove me to the side and bring another child into this household! Am I right?

Liane: Eric—

Cartman: Am I right?

Liane: Of course not, sweetie.

Cartman: Lies, lies, all lies! I can see right through you, woman! You can't pull the curtain over my eyes! You're a monster! A treacherous monster!

Liane (hugging Cartman): Oh, sweetie, how can I show you just how much I love you?

Cartman (sniffling): All I ask… is that you don't make me share a room with the little brat.

Liane: Of course not, sweetie. She'll stay in the guest bedroom.

Cartman: I love you, Mommy.

Liane: I love you too, sweetheart. Now, why don't you show little Becca around? She's such a darling.

_The music stops._

Cartman: Son of a—

* * *

_A few minutes later, Cartman is showing Becca around the house. They reach his room._

Cartman: This is my bedroom. You can't ever come in here without my permission. Do I make myself clear?

Becca: Yeah. Is that a MegaMan? [She runs into his room.]

Cartman: Goddamn it! Get out of my room, you little freak! [He picks her up.] And it's not a MegaMan, it's an UltraRetroMegaMan. It cost $45 dollars and I love it very much.

Becca: Wow…

_Cartman drops her outside his room._

Cartman: You ever touch anything of mine in this room, in the bathroom, under the kitchen table, behind the T.V., and ESPECIALLY in the refrigerator, I'm gonna kick you in the face.

_Becca nods solemnly._

Becca: Like Mommy did to Charlie.

Cartman: Exactly. All right, now that we have that straightened out, we've come to the end of our tour… my mom's bedroom. We're never allowed inside. Especially not during the weekends or after 7:30 PM. It's a rule. Even I follow it.

Becca: What if I have a nightmare?

Cartman: Tough beans, kiddo. Get a teddy bear or something.

Becca: Why do I have to stay here?

Cartman: 'Cause your mommy sucks and my dumbass friend's bitchy mom called and asked us to keep you.

Becca: Are you my new brother?

Cartman: Goddamn it, I'm nobody's brother! Stop asking stupid questions like that. [To himself] Wow, I almost feel bad for what Mr. Garrison goes through day after day after day with us stupid kids… Ha-hah, no, wait, that's still hilarious.

Becca: Just one more question?

Cartman: Fine, but if it pisses me off I'm kicking you out.

Becca: Where are the toys?

Cartman: Ah, goddamn it!

* * *

_Cartman is lining up his old toys and looking through them._

Cartman: Hmm… Do you like Mr. Fuzzlebuns?

Becca: Which one's Mr. Fuzzlebuns?

Cartman (picks up a stuffed bunny): This one.

Becca: Yeah, I love bunnies!

Cartman: Too bad, you can't have it. Do you like… Polly Prissy-Pants?

Becca: Yeah!

Cartman: Too bad, you can't have her either! Do you like… Timmy the Freight Train?

Becca: No.

Cartman: Here, you can have him then. Um… Do you like Mr. Bananapants, the monkey?

Becca (after hesitating a moment): …No…

Cartman: Ha, stupid little kid! Go ahead, play with Mr. Bananapants!

_Becca picks up the monkey and hugs it._

Cartman: Goddamn it!

* * *

_The boys are waiting at the bus stop. Kyle and Cartman look thoroughly exhausted._

Stan: What's got you guys?

Cartman: The stupid little kid kept coming into my room last night! I nearly hit her over the head with my UltraRetroMegaMan! Goddamn it, I hate this stupid… [yawns]… stupid.

Kyle: Baby crying.

_The bus stops for them._

Ms. Crabtree: Get on the bus! No pushing! Sit down and shut up!

_The boys board the bus and find seats._

Cartman: Well, Kyle, I hope you're happy. You just had to go and get your dumb little friend's mom arrested.

Kyle (still too tired for full sentences): Shut it.

* * *

_Again, at the hospital..._

Mindy: Well, Doctor, I hope you're happy. We've collected six pounds of crap from the patient without any results.

Doctor: Damn it, Mindy, don't rush the process! And for your information, the reports came back this morning and said that there is 45% less peroxide in her body. So nyeah to your back-sassing. We just need to find a way to speed up the recovery.

Mindy: Doctor, may I make a suggestion?

Doctor: Shoot.

Mindy: Surgery.

Doctor: Mindy, you think that being a doctor is all, "Cut that open" and "sew that closed". There's more to the practice than stitches, Mindy.

Mindy: She's suffering from heavy internal bleeding and peroxide poisoning. Cut her open, fix her insides, sew her closed.

Doctor (sighing): Mindy, it's hard for me to say this. I mean look at me! I'm a rich, handsome, well-educated young man. I could be successful in nearly anything I chose to do.

_Mindy stares at him blankly._

Doctor: But… I have a confession to make. Mindy, [he shakes his head mournfully], I'm a bad doctor.

Mindy: Yeah. I know.

_The doctor slides down the wall and begins to sob._

Mindy: Doctor? Doctor? Regain your composure, Doctor.

_He shakes his head._

Mindy: Tom? Tom! Snap out of it!

_The doctor glares up at Mindy with red eyes and tear-stained cheeks._

Doctor: You know I'm suffering from an inferiority complex, Mindy. Do you know how hard it is for me to sit here and listen to your criticism 24-7?

_Mindy sighs._

Mindy: Take a break and read "Us" for awhile, Doctor. I'll take it from here.

_The doctor whimpers pathetically and opens up "Us"._ _Mindy takes a plastic tube and sticks it down Charlie's throat. Carefully, she pumps out the contents of her stomach, including blood and the remainder of the peroxide. While his nurse is doing this, the Doctor giggles._

Doctor: No, Mindy, Mindy: What do you get when you mix Britney and Lindsey?

Mindy: Doctor—

Doctor: I don't know, but it'll get you a hell of a lot worse than DUI!

Mindy: I'm trying to pump a stomach, Doctor. Go read in the hall if you're going to read the jokes.

_Giggling to himself, the doctor leaves the room. As Mindy finishes pumping the stomach, she readjusts where a few of the needles are in Charlie's arms and adds a few chemicals to the water bag that's nourishing her body. The doctor peeks his head in._

Doctor: Mindy! Mindy!

Mindy: WHAT, Doctor?

Doctor: What's the only thing uglier than Paris Hilton's Chihuahua?

Mindy: I don't care, Doctor.

Doctor: Her FACE!

_Charlie's eyes flutter open. She tries to talk, but can't since her throat's so scratchy from the tube._

Mindy: Doctor! Doctor, she's conscious!

_The Doctor rushes into the room._

Doctor: Laughter therapy. It's the best there is. She must have heard that Paris joke.

_Charlie attempts to speak, but is unable to do so, as there is a tube down her throat. Mindy sees this and gives the girl a notebook and pen. Charlie stares at her, looking quite dazed._

Mindy: What is your name?

_Charlie scrawls an answer. Mindy glances at the notebook, then looks satisfied that Charlie is more or less in her right mind._

Mindy: Is there anything you need, dear?

_She gives her the notebook again, and Charlie scrawls: "Recline". Mindy reclines her seat a little. Charlie then writes: "Sister and brother?"_

Mindy: They're fine. They're being taken care of by local families.

_A second later, Charlie's asleep. The doctor looks at her with obvious concern._

Doctor: ...Did...she…Did she die?

Mindy: No.

Doctor (pumping his fist): Yes!

* * *

_Kyle knocks on the Cartmans' door. He has a stroller with him and Ike is bouncing around close to it._

Liane: Oh, hello, Kyle! Can I help you?

Kyle (still exhausted): Mom thinks the baby's scared 'cause he doesn't have his siblings. We need to see the little girl.

Liane: Oh, just take him around back. She and Eric are playing in the backyard.

Kyle: Playing?

_He pushes the stroller to the backyard. Cartman and Becca are sitting on a picnic blanket with a tea set and stuffed animals._

Cartman as Mr. Fuzzlebuns: Hello, Mr. Bananapants. How are you today?

Becca as Mr. Bananapants: I'm just splendid, Mr. Fuzzlebuns. Thanks for coming to my party.

Cartman as Mr. Fuzzlebuns: Oh, no problem at all. I brought you banana bread as a present.

Becca as Mr. Bananapants: Oh, my favorite! Thanks, Mr. Fuzzlebuns.

_Kyle clears his throat. Cartman drops his stuffed animal._

Cartman: Stupid kid! Stop bothering me! For the last time, I don't want to play with your stupid little dolls!

Becca: But these are YOURS.

Cartman: Oh, hello, Kyle. I just noticed you now.

_Becca jumps up._

Becca: Davy! [She leans over the stroller] Hello, Davy!

_Davy giggles and spits up._

Kyle: Stupid baby. [He wipes up the spit-up.]

Becca: Hey, my little brother isn't stupid! You're the stupid one! [She picks up Davy] Has he been mean to you since yesterday? Poor baby.

_She puts the spit-up rag over her shoulder and pats his back. He burps, spits up, and coos._

Becca: Babies do that a lot.

Cartman: Kick ass.

Kyle: How old are you, anyway?

Becca: Four and a half. I turn five on April 15th. I'm almost four and three quarters, but not quite.

Kyle: Four would have been okay too, but, sure. Happy early three quarters birthday.

Becca notices Ike.

Becca: Is that your brother?

Kyle: Kind of, but not really. He's just adopted.

Becca: How old is he?

Kyle: Two.

Becca: Two and a half, or just two?

Kyle: Two and a half. Do you have to ask all these stupid questions?

Cartman: Don't be so naïve, Kyle. She's four and half. It's in her nature.

Kyle: Since when do you know a shit about that sort of thing?

Cartman: Since this morning. The internet, Kyle, duh. Haven't you Jews learned about that sort of thing yet?

Kyle: Shut up, Cartman. You were the one who was playing Mr. Fuzzlebuns and Monkey Man just now.

Cartman: I was not, you stupid lying Jew! And it's not Monkey Man, his name is Mr. Bananapants!

_Pause._

Kyle: We're gonna go now. Kid, could you put the baby back in his stroller?

Becca: Only if you promise not to call him stupid.

Kyle: What?

Becca: Only if you promise—

Kyle: Okay, whatever. Fine. Put it back now.

Becca: Promise!

Kyle (sighing and rolling his eyes): I promise not to call the infant stupid.

Becca: That didn't sound sincere.

Kyle (snatching the baby away from her): Shut up! God, you're so annoying! C'mon, Ike, we're going home.

Ike: Brother.

Kyle: Shut up, Ike!

_They leave. Cartman and Becca stare after them for awhile, then Becca starts crying._

Cartman: Oh shit. Becca? Little girl? Becca? Stop crying.

_Becca starts crying harder._

Cartman: Oh, Jesus… Uh… [He starts singing "Cat's in the Cradle."] "My child arrived just the other day. He came into the world in the usual way. But there were planes to catch and bills to pay."

_Becca looks up, sniffling._

Cartman (singing): "He learned to walk while I was away. And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew, he'd say, 'I'm gonna be like you, dad. You know I'm gonna be like you.' And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon. Little boy blue and the man on the moon. 'When you comin' home, Dad?' 'I don't know when, but we'll get together then, son. You know we'll have a good time then.'"

Becca: Eric?

Cartman (singing): "My son turned ten just the other day. He said, 'Thanks for the ball, Dad come on, let's play.'"

Becca: Eric?

Cartman (singing): "'Can you teach me to throw?' I said 'Not today, I got a lot to do.' He said, 'That's okay.' And he walked away but his smile never dimmed. And said, 'I'm gonna be like him, yeah.'"

Becca: Eric?

Cartman: "'You know I'm gonna be just like him.' And the cat's in the cradle—"

Becca: ERIC!

Cartman: Huh? What? What?

Becca: My brother's in a bad home! I don't want him living there!

_She continues crying._

Cartman (gasping): Oh my God. Your infant brother is living in a Jewish household! You know what that means, right?

Becca (sniffling): They call him stupid?

Cartman: Yes, and in addition to that, they're going to convert him to Judaism!

Becca: What does that mean?

Cartman: It's too horrendous a thing to taint your innocent young mind with.

Becca: Is it bad?

Cartman: Oh yeah. It's really bad. Your brother spends more than a week with those Jewish brainwashing monsters, and he'll never be the same again.

Becca: I don't want my brother living with Jewish brainwashing monsters!

Cartman: Then we'll have to do something, won't we?

_Becca runs to the back door._

Becca: Ms. Cartman! My little brother is living with [Cartman covers her mouth] mmm mmmm mmm…!

Cartman: Don't say it to her. She'll freeze up. She won't know what to do. She has enough troubles on her pathetic middle-aged mind already without worrying about infants becoming Jews.

Becca: Then what can we do?

Cartman: There's only one thing we can do.

* * *

_Cartman is holding a phone and Becca is standing next to him nervously._

Cartman: Pick up, pick up! [To Becca] Jews are notoriously lazy.

Sheila (on other line): Hello?

Cartman: Hello, Mrs. Broflovski, ma'am. I was just wondering if I could have a polite conversation with your oldest son Kyle.

Sheila: One sec, I'll get him.

_There is a pause for a few seconds._

Kyle: What is it, fat-ass?

Cartman: Don't play stupid with me, Kyle. I can see right through your questioning tone. You disgust me.

Kyle: What are you talking about?

Cartman: Don't think we don't know what's going on in your house behind closed doors. You are destroying a poor infant's innocence before he has the brains to stand up for himself.

Kyle: What are you talking about, fatass?

Cartman: You know what I'm talking about, and don't call me fat! I know your plan to convert the little boy to Judaism! And I won't have it! Listen to the cries of his sister, begging for mercy!

_Cartman hands the phone to Becca._

Cartman: Sound really convincing, okay?

Becca: Please, don't convert my brother to Judaism! Don't brainwash him! He's just a baby! [She starts to cry.]

Cartman (taking the phone back): Good work. [To Kyle] Now listen: we're going to be over there in a couple days. If there is one trace on the baby of being Jewish… I'm gonna show your mom the picture.

Kyle: What picture?

Cartman: The one of you drinking coffee and smiling.

_There's a pause as Kyle stares at the phone in confusion._

Kyle: I don't know what you're trying to do, Cartman, but it isn't funny! We aren't converting the kid to Judaism! We're just watching him for a few weeks. All I can see happening is YOU brainwashing the kid at YOUR house and convincing her that Jews are evil!

Cartman: Really? Perhaps she came to that conclusion herself, Kyle, after seeing you calling her little brother stupid. Ever think of that?

Kyle: Well… I… No! You big ugly fat bastard! Don't turn this into something it isn't! You tell any little kid that Jews are evil and I'll rip your nuts off!

Cartman (to himself, looking down in the direction of his nuts): Ow. [To Kyle] You won't get away with this, you evil bastard Jew!

Kyle: You won't get away with THIS, stupid ugly fat-ass!

Cartman: Your mom is a bitch!

Kyle: Your mom is a whore! She's on the cover of "Crack Whore Magazine"!

Cartman: No she is not! Shut up!

Kyle: But seriously, Cartman, this is not funny! You can't just go around forcing prejudices on four-year-old kids!

Cartman: Really? Well, let's see who's done more damage in a few days, Kyle. Prejudices last a lifetime. Judaism sends you to hell for eternity. You do the math, smart-ass.

Kyle: Cartman, you can't—

_Cartman hangs up._

Cartman: I think I showed him.

Becca: I hope you didn't use all that colorful language at my expense.

Cartman: Nope. It's a hobby.


	6. The Bonnie Hunt Show

_At his house, Cartman is standing in front of a chalk board with a sheet covering it. Becca is sitting in a small desk in front of the board, smiling._

Becca: Are we playing school?

Cartman: Oh, we're playing school all right. Today, class, [he extends a collapsible metal pointer to full length] I will be teaching you about the biological structure of the Jew.

_He pulls the sheet off of the blackboard. It has a picture of someone resembling Kyle drawn on it. He points his pointer at it._

Cartman: This is a Jew. A Jew looks like any other person on the outside-although it's a good idea to watch out for curly hair-but on the inside, they are_ very_ different indeed. Instead of a heart, they have a foul-smelling black hole that sucks all sincerity and innocence from their body. Also, instead of brains, they have tapeworms in their heads.

Becca: Tapeworms?

Cartman: Yes, was I not annunciating clearly? I said tapeworms and I meant tapeworms.

Becca: Then how do they think?

Cartman: "Think" is such a grey term, Becca. It could mean a number of things. Please don't use it in my class again. Rather than "thinking" like you and me, their tapeworm minds do what I like to call "scheme". All Jews do to occupy themselves is scheme ways to lie, cheat, steal, murder, or convert innocent children into Jews themselves.

Becca: I want my brother to be good! I don't want him to be a Jew!

Cartman: None of us do, Becca. That's why we have to kidnap him before it's too late.

Becca: How are we going to do that?

Cartman: That question brings us to part two of this lesson. There are a lot of ways that we could simply "get him back". But that won't be enough. We have to purify him while we still have a chance.

Becca: How do we do that?

Cartman: Well, while I tie up and brutalize the Broflovskis while disguised as Zorro, you sneak into the baby's room with a crucifix and Holy Water. And you have to exorcise the demons from his body by saying the following. Now repeat after me: "The power of Jesus Christ compels you! Be gone, tapeworms of hell!"

Becca: The power of Jesus Christ compels you. Be gone, tapeworms of hell. Then what do I do?

Cartman: I dunno. Pour some Holy Water on him.

Becca: I dunno, Eric. This is a kind of shitty plan.

Cartman: Hey! Don't use that language in my classroom, you twerp! Do you have to see the guidance counselor?

_Pause._

Becca: What?

_Pause._

Cartman: Never mind.

* * *

_In the living room of the Broflovski house, Kyle is playing chess against Ike, and Davy is rolling around, gurgling, giggling, and watching. The doorbell rings._

Sheila (from another room): Kyle, could you get the door?

_Kyle sighs and stands up to get the door. When he answers it, he is shocked to see—_

Kyle: ...Bonnie Hunt?

Bonnie Hunt: Hello, little boy. Is this the Broflovski household?

Kyle: Yeah.

Bonnie Hunt: Wonderful! Now, I read in the newspaper a terrible story about a little girl being half-killed by her mother. Am I correct in saying that a certain Kyle Broflovski was quoted in the article?

Kyle: What?

_He takes the paper from Bonnie Hunt and reads it a highlighted quote. "'I can't believe it. Hey, what's that smell,' murmurs Kyle Broflovski, 8, who first stumbled upon the unconscious body of Charlotte Pierzynski and alerted the police."_

Kyle: Yeah. So what?

Bonnie Hunt: Well, I did a little research and talked to a few little helpers and I found out that your family is fostering one of the siblings of the victim!

Kyle: …What kind of research?

Bonnie Hunt: …That's not important. But this story has touched me, really, and I would love it if you and your family would appear on my talk-show.

Kyle (calling his mom): Mo-om! Bonnie Hunt's at the door and she wants to have us on her show!

Sheila: ...Did you say_ Bonnie Hunt_?

_She walks over to the door with a scowl on her face. Bonnie Hunt gasps._

Sheila: Bonnie.

Bonnie Hunt: Sheila.

Sheila: Long time no see, Bonnie.

Bonnie Hunt: Not long enough.

_There is an uncomfortable silence as Kyle, bewildered, looks from his mother to the B-list talk-show hostess, then back to his mother._

Kyle: Mom, you never told me you knew Bonnie Hunt!

Bonnie: Oh, I know Sheila from high school. I was the one who beat her out for homecoming queen. Do you remember that, Sheila?

Sheila: Oh, of course I do. Do YOU remember when I beat you for valedictorian?

Bonnie: Clear as daylight, Sheila. But that didn't matter, I see. I'm an incredibly rich woman with my own talk show. And you live in an obscure little town in Colorado. And what are you—a stay-at-home mom? [She smirks.]

Sheila: How dare you come to my house after all these years and insult me in front of my son!

Bonnie: Well, I take it you don't want him to appear on my talk show then. Well, if that's what you really want, I'll just be leaving in my limo now.

Sheila: I didn't say anything of the sort! My son WILL be on your show, BONNIE, and he'll be brilliant!

Bonnie: Then it's on again, isn't it Sheila?

Sheila: Oh, it's on. Let's just see who wins this time, you scamming bitch.

Bonnie: If you're referring to the incident a few years ago—

Sheila: I nearly wet my pants laughing! Good day to you, Bonnie.

She slams the door.

Kyle: Mom, I don't wanna be on the Bonnie Hunt show.

Sheila: I don't CARE if you want to. You're going on the show and you're going to love it. And more importantly, we're going to blow that bitch out of the business!

Kyle: I don't want to blow Bonnie Hunt out of the business.

Sheila: Come here, Kyle. There's something I'd like to show you.

_Kyle follows her into her closet. Sheila pulls out a shoebox that appears to be filled with photographs._

Sheila: Skim through these tonight, Kyle. Sometimes when I'm feeling a little depressed, I just go through them. They always make me feel better.

Kyle: …Okay.

* * *

_At the Cartman house, Eric runs up to his mother, who is preparing cookies in the kitchen. He tugs on her apron._

Cartman: Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom! Guess what guess what guess what?

Ms. Cartman: What is it, snookums?

Cartman: Becca and I are gonna be on the Bonnie Hunt show!

Ms. Cartman: Oh, isn't that nice? See, having a little sister around isn't all that bad.

Cartman:_ Mo-om_, you said she wasn't my little sister and we're just fostering her for a _week or two!_

Ms. Cartman: Sure, sweetie-pie.

Cartman: [Suddenly a bit apprehensive] You didn't… adopt her, did you?

Ms. Cartman: Of course not, sweetie-poo.

Cartman: Oh, good.

_He walks outside to where Becca is contentedly playing with a few stuffed animals._

Cartman: I've got a better plan to get your brother back, Becca.

Becca: Really?

Cartman: As you know, on Saturday afternoon, we are going to be on national television.

Becca: Yeah, I know that.

Cartman: It's so simple, but it's brilliant! You break-down and cry and say that the Broflovskis are converting your little brother to Judaism against the will of your entire family. They'll have to give up the baby after a pitiful display like that!

Becca: That's a great idea, Eric! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

_She runs up and hugs him._

Cartman: Ah, get off of me, you slimy little kid! [Shoves her off.] Now, we just need to practice.

* * *

_Kyle is in his bedroom in pajamas. He picks up the shoebox and starts looking at pictures. One is of Bonnie Hunt as a teenager drunkenly hugging a teenage boy. Another is of Bonnie Hunt unconscious in her own puke. Another is one of her kissing the cheek of a confused, elderly man. Kyle continues to flip through them as his mom knocks on his door and comes in._

Sheila: Oh, good, you're looking at the pictures! They're really a holler, don't you think?

Kyle: I guess.

Sheila: Great! So here's what we're going to do, bubby: when we're backstage before the show, you are going to sneak into the tech room with a few of these gems I've downloaded onto this disc. [She hands him a CD Rom in a thin case.] Now, I've done some research, and I-

Kyle: What kind of research?

Sheila: That's not important. Anyway, I did some research, and I decoded the encryption on Bonnie Hunt's video playback system. This disc is equipped not only with decryption software and embarrassing photographs, but also enough malware to destroy her entire tech setup!

Kyle: Mom, I just don't know if it'd be right to go on Bonnie Hunt's show, show all these pictures of her as a teenager, and create hell for her techies.

Sheila: To hell with what's "right"! Is anything "right"?

Kyle: I think you'd be embarrassing yourself more than her. I mean, for one thing, you're still a little obsessed over a high school rivalry. And also, it's a little creepy that you even have some of these pictures. I mean, she's naked in this one.

Sheila: I didn't TAKE that picture, sweetheart, my boyfriend did.

Kyle: I still don't think I should do that.

Sheila: Fine. Just ignore your mother, how about? Just completely betray her to get a few minutes on television with a baby and Bonnie Hunt! See if I care, Kyle. See if I care.

_She stands up and walks to the door._

Kyle: Wait, mom.

_Sheila turns back and tearfully acknowledges her son._

Kyle: If it's what you really want… then I guess I can go on the show and publicly humiliate her on the air to get back at her for whatever she did to you in high school.

Sheila: That's my boy!

_She wraps Kyle in a hug and kisses him on the forehead._

Sheila: Good night, my little angel.

Kyle: Night, Ma.

_Sheila leaves the room. Kyle looks at the disc, conflicted._

* * *

_That Saturday, everyone is backstage, preparing for the show. Cartman is with Becca and Kyle is holding Davy. Stan and Kenny are also backstage, sitting in seats and looking disgruntled._

Cartman to Becca: Remember, do it just like we practiced, okay?

Becca: Right.

Cartman: We can't use the flashcards up there, so if you forget a line, just ad-lib it. Make it bad and make it convincing, understand?

Becca: Aye-aye, Cap'n.

Sheila to Kyle: Did you upload the disc?

Kyle (nervously): Yes...

Sheila: Okay, I'll be in the technical room to play it when the time is right.

Kyle (sighing): All right, Mom, all right.

_Back to Stan and Kenny._

Stan: This sucks. We hardly got to do anything this entire episode.

Kenny: (And we're probably the greatest two characters to ever hit television! We're so deep, complex, and thought-provoking!)

Stan: I know! And all we get are few lines in the beginning, a minor appearance here and there, and that's it! Whoever wrote this has a cruel sense of humor.

Kenny: (What a bitch.)

Stan: What are we doing here anyway? We're not going to be on the show. Shouldn't we be in the audience or something?

_Kenny shrugs._

Stan: Uh-oh, Kenny. Somehow I have a feeling that us being here has something to do with your inevitable demise.

_Kenny's eyes widen and he lets out a muffled scream before the lights go out. They come on a moment later, revealing only an empty parka where Kenny once sat…_

Stan: Oh my God, they stole Kenny!

Kyle's voice from awhile away: You bastard!

* * *

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Bonnie Hunt Show!

_Bonnie Hunt walks onstage, waving to the audience._

Bonnie: Oh, stop it, stop it. Now. We have some very special guests this evening. A week ago today, a little girl was badly beaten and poisoned by her own mother. Visiting us today are that girl's siblings and the little boy who found her unconscious body and called 9-1-1, saving her life. Please welcome Kyle Broflovski and Becca and Davy Pierzynski.

_The audience applauds as Kyle and Becca walk onto the stage. Kyle is holding Davy and looking uncomfortable. Becca grins and waves sweetly._

Bonnie Hunt: Welcome, children.

Kyle and Becca: Hi, Bonnie Hunt.

Bonnie: Well, Kyle, you're certainly the little hero, aren't you?

Kyle: I guess.

Bonnie: Now, Kyle, we're all dying to know… Exactly how disturbing and graphic was the scene where little Charlotte was found? Please describe it in detail.

Kyle: Um, well I—

_Before he can get any further, the lights dim and a slideshow starts on the wall behind them. Bonnie looks outraged. Kyle looks annoyed, but he stands up and begins to speak._

Kyle: Ladies and gentlemen, these are photos of Bonnie Hunt and my mom from their high school years.

_The photos are all of the two smiling and laughing and hugging._

Bonnie: Okay, stop! Now!

Kyle: As you can see, they were once close friends. But today, they are bitter enemies. Why? Because of him.

_He flips to a picture of a beefed-up teenager with large biceps and acne._

Sheila (backstage): Oh, sweet Jehovah.

Kyle: This is Ray Jorgenson. He was the quarterback of the football team. And he had big muscles, and… Well, I don't know the details, but apparently, they started hating each other around the time my mom started dating him. Well, just to show you how dumb it was that they gave up their friendship over this guy, here's a picture of him now.

_A balding, obese worker at KFC stares soullessly into the camera._

Kyle: What ever happened to sisters before misters? I don't know, America. I just don't know.

_Sheila comes out onto the stage._

Sheila: Kyle, how did you-?

Kyle: I downloaded the decryption coding from the original disc and copied it onto another disc. Then I did some research on you and Bonnie as teenagers, used some facial recognition technology, and found pictures of the two of you together on various social media websites, which I uploaded onto the disc to foil your previous plans. You two really need to work out some issues.

_Sheila turns to her nemesis._

Sheila: Oh, Bonnie, to think we've been fighting all this time about silly Ray Jorgenson.

Bonnie: I feel so ridiculous. Let's forget the whole thing.

Sheila: Yes, let's.

_They hug. Just then, pictures start playing again. Now, we see pictures of teenaged Sheila in an assortment of embarrassing situations._

Sheila: Kyle! What is this?

Kyle: I don't know! I've never seen those pictures before. [A picture of Sheila mostly naked comes up.] Gah!

Bonnie: COMMERCIAL. [To Sheila] Sheila. I—I'm sorry.

Sheila: You bitch! You were going to embarrass me on national television! In front of my son!

Bonnie: Sheila, I can explain.

Sheila: This isn't over, bitch!

_She marches off the stage. The live audience is baffled. Kyle looks horrified._

* * *

_Bonnie has regained her composure. They're filming again. Becca, Davy, and Kyle, who looks disgruntled, are still on the stage._

Bonnie: Now, let's talk to Becca, the brave little sister of Charlotte Pierzynski. How are you feeling, Becca, dear?

Becca: Fine, thanks, Mrs. Hunt.

Bonnie: She's precious. Isn't she precious? Let's give her a round of applause.

_The audience claps and says, "Aw…"_

Bonnie: So, Becca, what's the scariest part of this whole experience?

Becca: Probably knowing that my brother is staying in a house with Jews.

_There are gasps from the audience. Kyle slaps his hand on his forehead._

Bonnie: …What?

Becca: They're gonna make his brains into tapeworms, and… brainwash him… and… instead of thinking, he'll just scheme. It's… it's so awful! [She breaks down into sobs.]

_Cartman comes rushing out. He hugs Becca._

Cartman: There, there, little child. Don't weep. I'm sure Ms. Hunt, being as kindly and generous as she is, will assist in freeing your infant brother from the clutches of Judaism.

Bonnie: …You have got to be kidding me.

Kyle: Kid, you know that Judaism is a religion, right?

_Becca abruptly stops crying._

Becca: What?

Kyle: It's a religion. Davy is too young to get it anyway. We can't indoctrinate him into a religion.

Becca to Eric: You told me they were monsters!

Cartman: I… you know… they sort of are…

Becca: Why did you lie to me, Eric?

Cartman: …I just wanted to be…a…a good brother.

Kyle: You're not serious.

Becca: You are a good brother, Eric. You're the best big brother in the whole wide world.

_She hugs him. The audience says "aw…"_

Kyle: You're not really buying this. [He groans.] You've got to be kidding me!

* * *

_A bit later in the show…_

Bonnie: Now, for one last treat before we go, a surprise guest! None other than little Charlotte Pierzynski herself, her first time out of the hospital since a week ago, along with the doctor who saved her life, Tom Ripley!

_The Doctor and Mindy roll Charlie onto the stage in a wheelchair. She looks pretty discombobulated, but she smiles when Becca runs up to hug her. Kyle doesn't seem to know what to do._

The show is over and everyone is backstage. Becca is jumping up and down, holding Charlie's hand.  
Becca: …And we played tea party and dress-up and school and "Destroy Jerusalem" and house and Hungry Hungry Hippos, and they have a kitty-cat!

Cartman (embarrassed): Ahem, let's not overwhelm her, Becca.

_He leads her away. The Marsh parents and Stan approach Charlie._

Sharon: We're so happy you're getting better, Charlie. You know, once you get out of the hospital, you'll be staying at our house with little Stanley for awhile!

Stan: Wait, what?

Sharon: Won't that be fun, Stanley? It'll be like having another sister!

Stan: Oh no!

_Stan runs away. Mr. and Mrs. Marsh follow him, smiling. Now Kyle walks up._

Kyle: Um, hi, Charlie.

Charlie (with a raspy voice): Hi Kyle. Thanks for helping take care of Davy.

Kyle: Oh, yeah… you're welcome. Look, I'm really sorry for telling Mr. Mackey. I never would've done it if I thought this might have happened.

Charlie: It's okay, Kyle. I'm not mad.

Kyle: You aren't?

Charlie: No... I mean… You were just trying to help, I guess. I really ought to thank you for, uh… you know…

Kyle: What?

Charlie: …Finding me and calling an ambulance and all.

Kyle: Oh. Uh, you're welcome. Hey, do you have any idea where my mom went?

* * *

_Sheila stands out by the exit of the building as the audience leaves. She wears the shoebox of pictures around her neck with a strap._

Sheila: Teenage pictures of Bonnie Hunt for sale! $10 for slutty, $20 for drunk, and $30 for nude! Show them to all your friends! Get 'em while they're still here!


	7. Kangaroo Kourt for Kids

**Threadbare South Park: Episode #3****  
****"Sisters Suck"**

_NOTE: This piece is written in the form of a script. It contains naughty language and some dumbass kid I made up. Mr. Garrison speaks for Mr. Hat. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled. This story takes place when the kids are in the third grade._

* * *

ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY 'THREADBARE'...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.

* * *

_We are at the Marsh house. In Shelly's room, Shelly is beating Stan over the head with a shoe._

Stan: Ah, Jesus! Shelly, stop it! Stop!

Shelly: You stay in your corner, turd! You made me do this!

_Stan runs out of the room and into the kitchen. His parents are there, dressed up nicely._

Stan: Mom!

Sharon: Stanley, why aren't you dressed yet? We have to be at the courthouse in less than an hour.

Stan: Mom, Shelly's beating me up again! She won't let me in her room!

Sharon: Oh, Stanley. You know that if you didn't touch Shelly's things she wouldn't get so upset with you.

Stan: That's totally not true! Shelly's a bitch! When do I get my old room back?

Sharon: I don't know, Stan, but it's Charlie's room for now. You want her to feel at home, don't you?

Stan: What, you mean we should get someone to beat her up and keep her in the backyard?

Sharon: Stanley!

Stan: Fine, whatever. I just don't want her to feel too much at home. She doesn't live here.

Sharon: Go get dressed, Stanley.

Stan: Right? She doesn't actually live here, does she? I mean, she's just staying here until they find her dad. And they'll find him soon. Right?

Sharon: I don't know, sweetie, but honestly, I don't like your attitude. Charlotte has been through a lot over the past few weeks, and I would like you to show a little more support.

Stan (muttering): It'd be easier to be supportive if she wasn't sleeping in my room.

* * *

_Meanwhile, upstairs in Stan's room, Charlie is dressed in a faded blue dress—a bit too big—with tights and old black dress shoes. She's still wearing her blue-green hat, and she still has some old bruises and scratches on her face. She's sitting at Stan's desk, looking out the window. Someone knocks at the door. Sharon comes in._

Sharon: Charlie, dear? How does Shelly's dress fit?

Charlie: Fine, Mrs. Marsh. Thanks.

Sharon: This is a big day for you. Are you nervous?

_Charlie shrugs._

Sharon: Well, we'll be leaving in about fifteen minutes.

_She leaves. A few seconds later, Stan enters the room. Charlie stands up._

Charlie: Oh, hi Stan. Are you looking for something?

Stan (rummaging through the closet): Yeah, just my nice shoes. [He suddenly looks at her.] Are you wearing a dress?

Charlie (embarrassed): Yeah, just one of Shelly's old ones. Your mom—

_Stan starts laughing. Charlie gets mad._

Charlie: Shut up!

Stan (laughing): Dude, you look ridiculous. You look like a boy in a dress.

Charlie: Shut up! I do not!

Stan: Whatever, dude. [He suddenly notices something.] Oh my God!

_He pulls an action figure out of the back of the closet. One of its arms is missing. Charlie turns around so her back faces him. She looks nervous. Glaring, Stan looks at her._

Stan: Charlie? Would you care to explain this to me, please?

Charlie (pretending to be distracted): Huh?

Stan: My G.I. Joe. What happened to my G.I. Joe?

Charlie: Um… your what?

Stan: Damn it, don't play stupid! What happened to my G.I. Joe?

_Charlie turns to face him and sighs._

Charlie: I—It was an accident.

Stan: Damn it Charlie! Where is his arm?

_Stan starts rummaging through the closet. Charlie uncomfortably holds onto one of her arms and looks at the floor._

Charlie: It was dark and I was walking to the bed and it was on the ground and I stepped on it. I'm really sorry.

Stan: What did you do with his fucking arm?

Charlie (sheepishly): Um, it should be back in the closet somewhere. If it's any help, it really, really hurt my foot.

Stan (holding up the missing arm): Yeah. Thanks. I feel so much better. [He turns around and glares at Charlie.] You know, you are really starting to piss me off.

_Charlie looks a little upset, but she doesn't say anything._

Stan: I hardly even knew you and you had to go and march into my house and steal my room and break my G.I. Joe. And now I'm stuck sharing a room with Shelly. This is my house, not yours! You can't just steal my room and wreck my stuff!

Charlie (rubbing her hands together anxiously): I… I didn't mean to, Stan.

Stan (sighing): I know. But seriously… you'd better find your dad soon and get the hell out of my house.

Sharon (calling from downstairs): Charlie! Stanley! Come on, it's time to go!

_Stan glares at Charlie before the two walk out of the room._

* * *

_The scene opens to a courtroom in South Park. There is soft murmuring throughout the room. Just then, the bailiff announces:_

Bailiff: All rise for the honorable Judge Fagot.

_Bailiff sniggers as people in the courtroom stand up. In one row are (in order) Ms. Cartman, Cartman, Kenny, Kyle, Stan, Mr. and Sharon, and Shelly. Cartman laughs at the judge's name too._

Ms. Cartman: What's so funny, dear?

Cartman: The… hehe… the judge's name is all, like… hehe…

_Kenny, Kyle, Stan, and Randy snicker too. Sharon rolls her eyes._

Shelly: You guys are all immature assholes! I can't believe I'm actually here. This is retarded.

_The judge sits down and bangs the gavel._

Judge: Order in the court! This court is now in session.

_Charlie is sitting uncomfortably in a chair in the front, looking at the ground. Gerald Broflovski sits next to her; he's her lawyer. Mrs. Pierzynski is the defendant. She looks nervous._

Judge: All right, so it appears that this sick-ass woman (points to Mrs. Pierzynski) is on trial for child abuse. You sicken me. People like you should be locked up and euthanized when no one's paying attention. You disgusting fiend. You little slut. Why, if I had it my way—

_Bailiff nudges him in the arm._

Judge: Um, yes. Ahem. So, what does the defendant plea?

Mrs. Pierzynski: Innocent by reason of temporary insanity, your honor.

Judge: Oh, give me a break. Do we have a psychiatric expert here? [Courtroom is silent]. Anyone? No? Let's assume you're lying then. Jury, she's lying; take that into consideration.

Gerald to Charlie: That's good, that's good… Points to us, Charlotte, points to us. We have this case in the bag.

_A bit later, Gerald is speaking for Charlie._

Gerald: Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I would like to open by letting you know that I took on this case for absolutely no fee. Pro bono. Consider this community service. In fact, I turned down a man who could have possibly been a major client to further indulge in this case.

Jimbo (in the back of the courtroom): It's true. He did.

Gerald: And, ladies and gentlemen, do you know why I did that?

_Silence. One man coughs._

Gerald: Because I believe so firmly that a woman like this [points at Mrs. Pierzynski] should not be out on the streets. She should be locked away and never released. This woman is evil. Absolute evil. Evil incarnate.

_Charlie glances at her mother, then at the boys. Kenny gives a thumbs-up._

_Soon after, Kyle, a witness, is called up._

Gerald (whispering to him): Just act natural.

Mrs. Pierzynski: He's telling him what to say! He's giving him a script!

Judge: Shut up, you shrew! All right, son, proceed.

Gerald: So, Kyle, tell us about how you found Charlotte.

Kyle: Um… kind of dead looking, I guess.

Gerald: More detail, Kyle. What exactly… happened?

Kyle: Well, I was going to her house to… you know, to visit, so when I came in, her mom wasn't there, just her… little sister, so I found her lying in her own puke, and then… and then I threw up in the bathroom and then I called 9-1-1. Then I waited outside with her little brother and sister. And that's basically it.

Gerald: Do you know of anything HAPPENING to Charlotte BEFORE you found her?

Kyle: Well, I… um…

_He glances at Charlie. She looks at her mom then back at him, and shrugs slightly._

Kyle: Well, yeah. I knew about… um… stuff.

Gerald: What kind of "stuff"?

Kyle: Bad stuff. I saw her mom yell at her and hit her. Charlie told me that her mom had hit her before; I guess it happened for awhile. [Pause] I have to go to the bathroom and throw up now.

Judge: You're dismissed.

Kyle: Thanks, your honor.

Gerald: Thank you, Kyle, for that incredibly articulate recount. May the next witness, Mrs. McCormick, stand up please?

_Mrs. McCormick comes up in her "I'm with stupid" T-shirt._

Gerald: All right, Mrs. McCormick. You claim you saw the defendant running away from the house just before Miss Charlie Pierzynski was discovered unconscious on the ground?

Mrs. McCormick: Yes sir, I sure as hell did.

Gerald: Please recall in as much detail as possible the events of that afternoon.

Mrs. McCormick: Well, after Kenny died, I was busy cleanin' out his room, like I do every time he passes. So while I was doing that, I heard screaming from next door. Pierzynski over here told me early on that her kid screamed a lot, but I'd heard so much weeping and screaming from that house that I walked right over to tell her to shut her kid up. But she was running out of the house. So I told her to get the hell away from my property, and she ran right away. Then I went back inside and made waffles for dinner. The ambulances came then. So I went and got myself some popcorn and gin and watched the whole thing from my front yard in a folding chair.

Gerald: That's all?

Mrs. McCormick: Wait, I—

_There is a long pause._

Mrs. McCormick: Yeah, that's all.

Gerald: Thank you, Mrs. McCormick. The prosecution calls its next witness, Dr. Tom Ripley, to the stand.

_The doctor from the previous episode goes to the witness box._

Gerald: Thanks for being here today, Doctor.

Doctor: Thanks for having me.

Gerald: Now, you are the doctor who treated Charlie Pierzynski after the recent assault, correct?

Doctor: Yes, that's correct.

Gerald: Could you describe your patient's condition when she entered your care?

Doctor: Yes… But… But it won't be easy. It was pretty bad.

Gerald: Go on.

Doctor: You see, when little Charlotte entered my care, she was covered in bruises and scrapes which she appeared to have acquired over the past several months. She had an untreated broken nose from around a week before, and two of her fingers had sustained minor fractures over the past several months, also untreated. Her…Her breathing was labored. We had her hooked up to a respirator. She was unconscious from head trauma. [He starts to sniffle.] And she…she had potentially lethal levels of peroxide in her body, which she had ingested just an hour before I first began to work with her.

_He starts crying pathetically. The judge and Gerald stare at him awkwardly._

Judge: Come on, man, pull yourself together!

Doctor: I…I'm sorry. It's just that no matter how many of these horrific cases I encounter, I never cease to be shocked by man's capacity for cruelty.

_He continues weeping._

Gerald: Um… Do you have anything more to add?

Doctor: Sniff… No… No that's all. Wait, there is one thing… [He stands and points at Mrs. Pierzynski.] You whore! You demon of Hell! Return to the fiery pit from whence you came!

_No one says anything for a moment._

Gerald: Thank you, Doctor. Now, with your honor's permission, I'd like to bring up my final witness. Would Charlie Pierzynski please approach the stand?

_Charlie walks up and sits on the box._

Gerald: So, Charlotte, tell us what your mom did to you that resulted in your trip to the hospital.

Charlie: Um… Do I have to?

Gerald: If you want to see justice, then yes, you have to.

Charlie: Um… Well, she hit me. A little. And then… um… and then…

Gerald (leaning in): If you tell us everything right now, that woman will go to jail and she'll never be able to hurt you again. Come on, Charlie. I know you can do it.

_There is a pause for a moment. Charlie seems to be thinking._

Charlie (loudly): Well, it all started when I was five. That's when Dad went on business trips every weekend. Mom got mad, so she had a bad temper. She started hitting me, and she would grab my hair to catch me when I tried to run away. So I cut my hair. You hear that, ladies and gents of the jury? My mom hit me so much that I cut my hair so she couldn't pull on it anymore! Is that abuse or what?

_There are murmurs from the jury. Charlie looks please with herself._

Charlie: And then, and then, and then she started hitting me harder and she gave me a black eye, so we had to move. My teacher got suspicious. I moved about ten times in the last three years. Is that a shitty life or what?

Random man in the jury: That's a shitty life.

Charlie: After Davy was born, Dad came home less and less. And we moved without telling him. I don't even know how that's possible, but we did. Anyway, one day while my mom was kicking my ass, some kids from school came to the backyard, and they saw. And one of them told the guidance counselor.

_Kyle looks down._

Charlie: And when the counselor called my mom about it, you know what she did? She punched me in the face and fed me bleach! Literally! Out of a bottle! She just fed me peroxide! Like a pimple! Or the hair of a chain smoker! (Standing up) My mom is evil and you'd better put her in jail or you will suffer the consequences. I will find you. I will personally come to each of your houses and kill your families!

Gerald: Um, okay, that's enough, Charlie.

Charlie: Kill! You hear me? I will kill your families! I hope you sleep well tonight. Thank you.

Judge: …Okay. You're dismissed.

_Charlie goes back to her seat, looking proud. Then she stops smiling and suddenly looks kind of worried. Meanwhile, the boys are cheering, along with a few others in the courtroom._

Cartman: That kicked ass! I wish I could talk about my mom like that!

* * *

_At the end of the trial..._

Man from the Jury: This jury hereby declares Mrs. Jane Pierzynski guilty on seven counts of child abuse and one count of attempted murder.

_Courtroom cheers. Charlie looks down._

Judge: Then I hereby sentence Jane Pierzynski to forty-four years in prison with possibility of parole. How do you like that, bee-yotch?

Mrs. Pierzynski: Well, I-

Judge: This court is dismissed. Go now in peace to love and serve the Lord by always loving and serving each other.

_All stare at him._

Judge: Get the fudge out of here.


	8. Accidental Creek LULZ

_On the car ride home, Randy and Sharon are in the front, Kyle is in between Gerald and Kenny in the middle, and Charlie is in between Shelly and Stan in the back. Cartman and his mother are riding in a separate car._

Randy: Charlotte, that was so cool when you threw all that crap at your mother in front of a packed courtroom. I mean, wow, that takes some serious guts after all she's done to you. That was amazing. Do you remember that, when you doomed your mother to a life in prison?

Charlie (staring down at her hands): No, I forgot all the fuck about it.

Randy: Good, I was hoping I could tell you about it again. Okay, so-

Stan (talking over his father): Seriously, Charlie, that was so cool. Your mom is gone forever, all thanks to you!

_Charlie rubs her hands together and doesn't reply._

* * *

_Later, when everyone in the Marshes' car and the Cartmans are at an ice cream shop…_

Cartman: That totally kicked ass. Your mom is gone forever, all thanks to you!

_Charlie sighs, looking slightly irritated, and eats her sundae._

* * *

_Gerald and Kyle get into their car at the Marshes'._

Gerald: Don't worry, Charlie. It's all over now. Your mother is gone forever, and I have to say, it was all thanks to you.

* * *

_Inside Charlie's mind, everyone who had been at the court procession is saying, "It's all thanks to you! Your mom is gone forever! It's all thanks to you!"_

Charlie: SHUT UP, DAMN YOU!

_She and the Marshes are eating dinner. The Marshes stare at her blankly._

Charlie: Can I be excused?

_She runs from the table and goes upstairs._

Randy: …I just wanted her to pass the mashed potatoes.

* * *

_Charlie is in her (Stan's) room, sitting glumly at a desk, resting her head on her hand. She sighs, then picks up a pencil and a piece of paper. She begins to write._

Charlie's note/internal voice: Dear Dad: I haven't heard from you since my birthday. I know it's not your fault. Mom moved without telling you where we were going. You were right. She's a total bitch. Are you still in Nashville? I bet you are writing songs for all the stars, like Alan Jackson and stuff. I bet you will become a big sensation, and I will tell all my friends how cool you are. They will be jealous.

_She pauses and taps her pencil on her chin._

Charlie's note/internal voice: Becca and Davy are fine. Mom is in jail now, so she won't move us around anymore. Too bad you're not here. Then we could live together. Right now I am in a place called South Park Colorado. I have some friends. I am living at one of their houses. By the way, I had to testify against Mom in court because she poisoned me but I'm okay but she's in jail for forty-four years. Please write back soon. Maybe tell me your phone number or something. Love, Charlie.

_A knock comes at the door. Charlie quickly folds up the note._

Charlie: Come in.

_Sharon enters._

Sharon: Charlie, are you okay?

Charlie: I guess.

Sharon: What's wrong? You just helped put your mom in jail; aren't you glad that she can't hurt you anymore?

Charlie: I guess.

Sharon: Then what's the matter?

Charlie: I just feel bad, maybe. I don't know. I miss my brother and sister and Daddy. And if I hadn't said that stuff today, maybe my mom would come home and we could all live together again.

Sharon: I see what you mean. But think on the bright side… you're finally safe, and you did the right thing, for you and for your brother and sister.

Charlie: I guess you're right. Thanks, Mrs. Marsh.

_She gives Sharon a hug. Stan walks in just then._

Stan: Oh my God… Mom, what are you doing?

Sharon: I was just talking to Charlie. She was a little upset.

Stan: You traitor! You just hugged her! She's not even your daughter!

Sharon: Stan, what's the matter with you? I don't need to be related to someone to hug her.

Stan: Yes you do! You do when you're also feeding her and giving her clothes and a house and her own bedroom and making me and Shelly share one! Then it does!

Sharon: Stan, why don't you go to your room and think about how rude you're being?

Stan: It's not _my_ room! It's_ Shelly's_ room! I'm already in my room. And I'm sick of sharing a room with Shelly. She only lets me sleep in the corner and she keeps spraying me with perfume! I smell like August Breeze!

Sharon: Well, then you should deal with that with Shelly.

Stan: I hate Shelly. And I hate Charlie. Sisters and fake sisters suck. This whole house sucks.

_Charlie looks down. Sharon is angry._

Sharon: Stanley! You apologize to Charlie right now!

Stan: I'm sorry that I hate you and you're making my life miserable.

Sharon: That's it, Stanley! You are grounded for a week! Now get out of here and leave Charlie alone!

Stan: Gladly.

_Sharon and Stan leave the room. As they exit and close the door, Stan peeks in again, looking really mad._

Stan: See what happened? Thanks to you, I'm grounded! I hope you're happy, dumb-ass.

Charlie: I didn't do anything.

Stan: Whatever. It makes sense that you wouldn't realize how miserable you made everyone in this house, considering you're such a goddamn selfish bitch. You don't even care that I have to give up my room and my parents have to buy food for you and stuff.

_Charlie looks at him._

Stan: You just expect everyone to feel sorry for you, just because some bad stuff happened to you. Boo-hoo. Well guess what? [He hesitates, unsure of what to say next.] Fuck you!

_He slams the door. Charlie stands there for awhile before she walks over to the dresser and starts unpacking. Charlie tosses a duffle bag out the window and then attempts to climb down with a rope of bed sheets, but slips and falls about halfway down._

Charlie: Ow.

_Charlie walks down the street and goes to the first house and rings the doorbell. A grey-haired man answers the door._

Man: H-h-hello? What can I do fer you, young man?

Charlie: Can I live with you?

Man: I… uh, Prudence! There's a little boy prostitute on our front step!

_Charlie closes the door herself and goes to the next house. They slam the door. So does the next._

* * *

_At the Marsh house, Randy and Sharon finish a long conversation with Stan._

Sharon: So do you understand why it's important to be at least a little bit nice to Charlie?

Stan: Yeah. Because she's a mentally disturbed little twit and I have to live with her for a month minimum.

Randy: Exactly! Now go say you're sorry!

_Stan sighs deeply and walks over to his (Charlie's) room and opens the door._

Stan: Okay, you know what Charlie? I'm sorry about—

_No one is there._

Stan: Charlie? Charlie?

_He notices the window is open and that there are sheets hanging outside._

Stan: Oh, shit.

Sharon (from downstairs): Stan? Did you apologize?

Stan: Oh… Yeah, Mom! We're friends again! Um…

Stan (pretending to be Charlie, using high-pitched voice): Can I please go to bed, Mrs. Marsh? I've had an extremely exhausting day, being me and all.

Sharon: Okay, Charlie, good night. Did you take your medicine?

_Stan glances at a bottle of pills on the dresser._

Stan as Charlie: Yes, Mrs. Marsh, I'm feeling very relaxed now. In fact, I think I'll sleep soundly all night and won't need you to wake me up in the morning 'cause I'll use this nifty-ass alarm clock of Stan's. He gave me permission.

Stan as Stan: Yep, I gave her permission, since we're friends again.

Sharon: Okay, goodnight. Stan, get out of there so she can sleep!

Stan (mumbling to himself): Stan, get out of there so she can sleep in your room, in your bed! Stupid-ass parents. [To his mom] Okay, Mom!

_He shoves pillows under the blanket so it looks like someone's in the bed. Then he pulls the sheets out of the window and closes it. The sheets are dirty._

Stan: Damn it! Those are MY sheets!

_He walks out of the room, turns off the lights, and closes the door._

* * *

_Charlie is still knocking on doors and still being turned down. Sighing and weary, she rings the doorbell of another house. The sound of numerous locks being undone can be heard from the outside and, at last, Butters opens the door._

Butters: Oh… um, hi, Charlie.

Charlie: Hi Butters. Can I live with you for a little while? I'm on the run.

Butters: Oh, gee, I don't know. I have to ask my mom first. She probably won't say yes. Uh, Mom!

_Mrs. Stotch walks over._

Mrs. Stotch: What is it Butters? Oh, hello, little boy. What's your name?

Charlie: I'm Charlie.

Butters: But, Charlie, you're not a b—

Charlie (in an abnormally deep voice): I'm a boy all right. One hundred percent masculine. I was just coming over for the sleepover with Butters.

Butters: Huh?

Mrs. Stotch: I don't recall Butters asking me about any sort of sleepover…

Butters: I don't recall Charlie asking me about any sort of sleepover either.

Charlie: There's a sleepover all right. You bet we planned a sleepover. And my mom and dad went to a, uh, a concert tonight, so they aren't home and I have to stay here.

Mrs. Stotch: Butters, you're in big trouble for not telling us about this sleepover. I'd say three weeks grounded sounds fair.

Butters: Aw, rats, now I'm grounded. Okay, Mom. C'mon, Charlie.

_Butters and Charlie go upstairs to Butters' room. Charlie drops her stuff on the floor and Butters gets her a sleeping bag from his closet._

Butters: So, uh, you're a boy after all?

Charlie: No. But your parents probably wouldn't let me stay if they knew I was a girl.

Butters: I'm surprised they let you stay anyway. It's a school night.

_Mr. Stotch comes in with popcorn._

Mr. Stotch: I thought you kids would like some popcorn and healthy entertainment.

_He hands them two CDs, one labeled "Jesus Jams by the Eternal Disciples" and the other "Mozart's Greatest Hits for Kids"._

Butters: Thanks, Dad.

Mr. Stotch: You kids have fun. And be sure to turn out the lights by seven-forty-five.

Butters: Oh boy, fifteen extra minutes!

Mr. Stotch: That's right, my little man. By the way, did your mother ground you yet?

Butters: Uh-huh.

Mr. Stotch: Good! Have a nice night, boys.

* * *

_Later that night, Butters is lying in bed with his eyes open and Charlie is lying in her sleeping bag on the ground, also with her eyes open._

Butters: We still have ten minutes before we have to go to sleep.

Charlie: Yep.

Butters: Well, shouldn't we do some sleep-over stuff then, since this is sort of a sleepover?

Charlie: What did you have in mind?

Butters: Well, you know, talk about who we think is cute in school, and play MASH, and have pillow fights, and give each other makeovers… you know, sleepover stuff.

Charlie: You're thinking of girl sleepover stuff. Boys don't do that.

Butters: Hmm… Maybe that's why Tweek and Craig* kicked me out of their sleepover and called me a pussy.

Charlie: Yeah, if I had to guess, I'd say that's why.

Butters: Well, what do boys do during sleepovers?

Charlie: Do I look like a boy?

Butters: Well, yeah, sort of.

Charlie: Oh. Yeah, I guess I do. But I'm not, so I don't know.

Butters: Do you think they still give each other makeovers?

Charlie: No, Butters, I don't think they give each other makeovers.

Butters: Oh. That's too bad. It sounds like fun. [He sits up.] Hey, Charlie? Wanna play a game?

_Charlie sighs and sits up._

Charlie: What sort of game?

Butters: Well, I was playing Power Rangers before you got here. I've got them all: [he pulls out a box and displays them] the blue one, the green one, the red one, the pink one… Oh, and here's my favorite! The yellow one!

Charlie: I don't watch the Power Rangers.

Butters: Me neither. You don't have to. You just gotta use your imagination! Here; you can be the pink one 'cause you're a girl.

Charlie: Shh!

Butters: Oh, yeah, right. [Loudly] You can be the blue one, 'cause you're a boy.

Charlie: What's his name?

Butters: Oh, uh, he's, uh… Reginald Challerson. And this [the yellow one] is Emerson Welsh.

Charlie: …Seriously?

Butters as Emerson (using a deep voice): Reginald! Reginald!

Charlie as Reginald (using her normal voice): What?

Butters as Emerson: The evil Dr. Flotsam escaped from prison! He's planning his comeback, and he's bound to be out for revenge against us… the Power Rangers! [Singing in alternately deep and falsetto tones, backed up by an electric guitar] We are the Power Rangers! We are the Power Rangers! Fighting evil and stopping crime! Whenever there's trouble you know that it's time for Power Rangers! We are the Power Rangers!

_Charlie stares at him._

Mrs. Stotch (peeking into the room): I'm turning out the light now, boys. Sweet dreams.

Butters: 'Night, Mom.

_The lights are turned off. They lie in silence._

Charlie: Damn it, I forgot my medicine!

* * *

_* Unfortunately, I wrote this particular line of the story before I was involved in the South Park fandom. Thus, I was unaware that the angsty, dark, highly emotional gems of literature known as "Creek fanfiction" existed. But now that I know that the concept of Craig and Tweek alone at a sleepover might raise eyebrows in the fandom, I can't alter it. It's too precious._


	9. Stan Gets His Room Back

_The next morning, Stan wakes up extra early to the alarm clock. He rushes into the bathroom, rushes out with a few squares of toilet paper stuck to his foot, and goes to the room where Charlie SHOULD be sleeping. He takes out the pillows and, when the alarm goes off, he switches it off himself. A few seconds later, a knock comes at the door._

Sharon (from outside): Charlie? You awake?

Stan as Charlie: Um… yes! But don't come in! …Um… I'm not decent!

Sharon: Okay, are you going to shower this morning?

Stan as Charlie: Um, okay!

_He puts on the robe and towel (covering his hair) in Charlie's room, holds up a book so that his face is hidden, and walks out of the room. Sharon is walking in the opposite direction down the hall, not paying too much attention._

Stan as Charlie: Morning, Mrs. Marsh.

Sharon: Morning, Charlie.

_Stan hurries into the bathroom and gets in the shower himself, then exits the bathroom in the same disguise._

Stan as Charlie: Morning, Mr. Marsh.

Randy: Morning, Charlie. Reading Dante already, I see? I wish Stan would be as ambitious as you.

_Behind the book, Stan looks pissed._

Stan as Charlie: Oh, I think Stan's twice as smart as me. I'm not reading this; I'm just using it to cover up my incredible hideousness. Tootles!

_He runs into Charlie's room and changes into some of his own clothes in his dresser, then leaves when the hallway is clear. He grabs his backpack and runs out of the house quickly._

Stan: Bye Mom, bye Dad! Charlie's just in front of me!

Sharon: Stan, the bus isn't coming for half-an-hour!

Stan: We want to get a head-start! Bye!

* * *

_At the bus stop, Stan is lying, open-eyed, on the ground when Kyle arrives. For several seconds, Kyle stands next to his friend, looking a bit confused._

Kyle: ...Dude. What are you doing?

Stan: I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm hungry. And I've been here for half an hour.

Kyle: Why?

Stan: Long story. Don't want to talk about it.

Kyle: By the way, where's Charlie?

Stan: She ran away last night.

Kyle: Dude! Why would she do that?

Stan: 'Cause she's an unappreciative little bitch. I spent all morning covering for her so my parents don't know she's gone.

Kyle: Why don't you just tell them so they can find her?

Stan: 'Cause I'm already grounded. If they knew she was gone, they'd probably double it.

Kyle: Why are you grounded in the first place?

Stan: For telling Charlie that she's an unappreciative little bitch. But that's really not so bad for me to say...because she is. She totally is.

Kyle: This is about sharing Shelly's room, isn't it?

_Stan shudders. Kenny and Cartman walk up._

Kenny: (Dude. What are you doing?)

Stan: I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I've been here for half an hour. And I have the strangest sense of déjà vu.

Cartman: You think that's bad? My mom had to leave before she gave me breakfast just to take Becca to pre-school. Little kids suck ass.

Kyle: Really, Cartman? 'Cause it seemed for awhile like you actually LIKED her.

Cartman: You're crazy, dick-wad. I hate little kids, especially ones that come into my house and play with my toys. Which is what Becca did. Stupid little bitch.

_The bus arrives. The boys get on, and Stan is shocked to see Charlie sitting next to Butters._

Stan: Charlie? What are you doing here?

Charlie: I didn't want to come, but Mrs. Stotch said truancy is a crime and kicked me out.

Kyle: Charlie?

Charlie: Hi, Kyle.

Kyle: So, I heard you ran away.

Charlie: Yup. My life on the high-road is just beginning.

Butters: It started at my house. We had a sleepover and I got to stay up extra-late. Is that cool or what?

Stan: You ran away to Butters' house?

Charlie: Kyle, tell Stan I'm not speaking to him anymore. And that, yes, I did run away to Butters' house 'cause he was the first one who actually let me in.

Kyle: Stan, Charlie says—

Stan: I heard her, Kyle! Listen, Charlie, you have to come home after school! I had a hard enough time covering for you; my parents don't know you ran away yet! And you can't just stay at Butters' house.

Charlie: Kyle, tell Stan that I like Butters better than him and I'd rather live at his house.

Kyle: Stan, Charlie says—

Stan: Damn it, I heard what she said!

Ms. Crabtree: DAMN IT, YOU CRAZY CHILDREN! I'M GONNA KILL SOMEBODY IF YOU DON'T SIT DOWN! HURRY UP!

_Kyle and Stan sit next to each other across from Butters and Charlie._

Stan: Charlie, if you don't come home after school, then so help me God, I will personally come to Butters' house and kick your head in.

Butters: Um, Charlie, I-I think you should go home. My mom'll get pretty mad if we get blood stains all over the carpet and I'm already grounded.

Charlie: Stay out of this, Butters. Kyle, tell Stan that I'd like to see him try.

Kyle: Stan, Charlie says—

Stan: Stop doing that, Kyle! Charlie, you need to come home or my parents are going to kill me!

Charlie: So what? You can have your room back now.

_Stan straightens up, glaring at the ground. Kyle turns to Charlie._

Kyle: Charlie, Stan is glaring and mumbling to himself.

Stan: I am not!

Kyle: But he says he isn't.

Cartman: God damn it, you stinking Jew, stop doing that!

Kenny: (Kyle, Cartman says, "Goddamn it, you stinking Jew, stop doing that!")

Kyle: I heard him, you asshole!

Stan: Kenny, Kyle says he heard Cartman.

Pip: I think I'm speaking for everyone on this bus when I say, "Cut it out."

Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman, and Charlie: Shut up, Pip.

* * *

_Later that day, at school, the kids are doing silent reading. Mr. Garrison is grading papers. Stan crumples up a scrap of paper and throws it at Charlie. She turns around and glares at him._

Stan (whispering): PLEASE come back.

Charlie: No!

Stan: I promise not to yell at you anymore!

Charlie: I don't want to come back.

Stan: Why not?

Charlie: I'm tired of living here. I think I'm going to hitch-hike to Nashville.

Stan: What?

Mr. Garrison: Shut up, you little pussies! It's silent reading time!

_They go back to their books. After a minute, Stan looks up._

Stan: Psst! Charlie!

_Charlie glances up at him and shakes her head._

Stan: Charlie!

Mr. Garrison: Stan, stop talking to your little girlfriend and read the goddamn book!

Stan: She's not my girlfriend!

_Wendy suddenly looks up, glaring. She scribbles on a piece of paper, folds it into a paper airplane, and shoots it to Charlie. She misses and it lands on Craig's desk. He opens it up._

Note: Back away from my man, whore! Love, Wendy

_Craig glances up at Wendy. Wendy shakes her head and points to Charlie. Craig nods and passes it to her. Charlie opens up the note and reads it. She glances at Wendy, who glowers at her. Charlie crumples it up and throws it at Stan._

Stan: Ouch!

Mr. Garrison: I told you to shut up, Stanley!

Stan: It's not my fault! Charlie threw something at me!

Mr. Garrison: That's it! Stanley, Charlotte, you two had better shut up right now or Mr. Hat is going to fucking lose it!

* * *

At recess, Stan is standing with Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman when Charlie walks up to them.

Charlie: Look, Stan, can I talk to you?

Stan: Well it's about fricking time.

Charlie: In private?

Cartman: Oh, come ON.

Stan: Fine, whatever.

_They walk over to the side of the school._

Stan: Look, I don't care about our "friendship" or anything. I just need you to come back home so my parents don't ground me any more than I already am.

Charlie: I'm not trying to get you in trouble, Stan. But I really don't want to go back to your house.

Stan: Stop being such an unappreciative little bitch! If you want me to act all apologetic, fine! I'm sorry! Are you happy now?

Charlie: No, because that's not even the problem! I'm not trying to steal your house or your room or your mom! Do you think I want to live in your house? I want to have my own house, with a mom and a dad and Becca and Davy! But I can't! I'm stuck with you, and I'm not thrilled about it either!

Stan (after a pause): Well… I didn't think that… it was about… that…

Charlie: Of course you didn't! You didn't think at all! You just thought I strolled in and took your room! But that's not what happened! Now that my mom's in prison, and I can only guess where my dad is, I can't live with my little siblings anymore, and I'm stuck in a place where no one wants me! Last I heard from my dad, he was living in Nashville because he wanted to write country songs. So I want to run away to Nashville once I get the chance. And when I get there, we're going to come back and get my brother and sister. And we can be a family again, like yours.

Stan: …Dude. I had no idea.

_Charlie starts crying._

Stan: No… dude, come on, don't… don't cry.

_He awkwardly tries to give her a hug._

Charlie: And the only reason I'm telling you this is because I didn't take my medicine last night so I'm extra emotional!

_She continues sobbing. Stan stares at her, then at Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny, who are watching, bewildered, from across the blacktop._

Cartman (shouting across the blacktop): Dude! Ask her if she wants to live at Kenny's house! I bet the abuse and rampant alcoholism will make her feel more comfortable!

Kenny punches Cartman in the head.

Cartman: Hey! Son of a…

_Just then, Wendy walks up to Charlie and Stan, looking pretty pissed._

Wendy: Well, well, what are you two talking about way over here in _private?_

Charlie: None of your business.

Wendy: Well, it just so happens that Stan is MY boyfriend, so it is my business, you little slut!

Stan: Whoa, dude, just-

_Wendy jumps at Charlie and starts hitting her in the head. Charlie fights back and tries to escape by punching at Wendy's stomach. They each get a few good blows in before Kyle and Kenny break it up._

Kyle: Jesus, what's going on?

Charlie (pointing at Wendy): Wendy called me a slut.

Kyle: Hey, don't call Charlie a slut! Stan, tell your girlfriend to stop calling Charlie a slut!

Stan: ...Um, stop calling Charlie a slut, I guess.

Wendy (tearing up): But… but… Charlie is trying to steal Stan from me!

_The five others verbalize their disgust._

Wendy: It's true! That stupid bitch has been at him all day!

Kyle: Don't call Charlie a bitch! Stan, tell your girlfriend to stop calling Charlie a bitch!

Stan: Um, stop calling Charlie a bitch, I guess.

Charlie: Wendy, that is absolutely NOT what's happening. I'm not interested in Stan. I mean, I am DEFINITELY not interested in Stan, and I never will be. Never. I mean, EW. Gross. No way. That's… That's just disgusting.

_There is a pause._

Stan: That much?

Wendy: Well, you'd better be right. I'll be watching you, whore!

Kyle: Hey, don't call Charlie a whore! [Wendy starts walking away.] Stan, tell your girlfriend to stop calling Charlie a whore!

_Wendy is out of sight by now._

Stan: Stop calling Charlie a whore… uh, I guess…

_They stand in silence for a few seconds, then Cartman starts laughing a little._

Stan (to Charlie): Your words are hurtful.

Charlie: Aw, come on. I just… I had to hyperbolize my sentiments to get my point across. You know? Just so that bitch knew I was serious.

Stan: Hey, don't call Wendy a bitch! Kyle, tell Charlie not to call Wendy a bitch!

Kyle: No way, dude. She's totally justified.

Stan: You're an asshole. [To Charlie] So I'm not, like, totally gross or anything, right? Like, hypothetically, you'd date me before you'd date Cartman?

Charlie: Oh, yeah, totally, no question.

Stan: Phew, that's a relief.

Cartman: Hey! Well, that's fine, I wouldn't want to date a dyke anyway! You know, your little sister is way cooler than you.

* * *

_They're all on the bus ride home. Charlie sits across from Kyle and Stan and in front of Cartman and Kenny._

Kyle: So, you're really going back to Stan's house?

Charlie: Yeah, I guess.

Kenny: (Why are you going back there?)

Charlie: I don't really have anywhere else to go. Even if I got to Nashville, I probably wouldn't have ever found my dad.

Stan: Yeah, and even if I'd successfully pretended to be you for the next month, I'd still have to share a room with Shelly, and my parents would still ground me.

Kyle: I think there's a lesson we can take away from all this.

Stan: There is?

Kyle: Yeah. All families are messed up. Even ones that think they're perfect.

Charlie: That's a pretty crappy lesson, Kyle.

Kyle: Oh, sorry. I'm sure you can come up with something better.

Charlie: What about not taking what you have for granted?

Stan: That's pretty cliché.

Charlie: Morals are always clichés.

Cartman: You guys are retarded. I don't think I'll ever understand why I hang out with you.

Kenny: (Because they're the only people willing to spend time with you.)

Cartman: Well, while you present a valid point, Kenny, the sheer mass of their retarded-ness overwhelms all rhyme and reason.

Kyle: Do you guys want to come over later?

Stan: I can't. I'm grounded.

Charlie: I probably shouldn't either. I'm sort of the reason why Stan's grounded.

Cartman: I've got to babysit the goddamn preschooler.

Charlie: Hey, you'd better not use that kind of language in front of my little sister, or I'll kick you in the nuts!

Kenny: (I'll probably be dead by then.)

_They all pause and look at Kenny, bewildered._

Kyle: You'll probably be dead by then? What do you think is gonna happen?

_Kenny shrugs._

* * *

_That afternoon after school, Charlie is back that the Marsh residence. She, Randy, Sharon, and Stan are all sitting around the table._

Stan: …So then I got up extra early and pretended to be Charlie all morning, so you guys wouldn't know she was gone. And I got out of the house early and when I got on the bus, she was there because she wound up at Butters Stotch's house and his mom made her come back to school. And we decided it'd be best to just tell you the truth about what happened. So… that was it. That's what happened.

Sharon: Well, Stanley, I'm very disappointed in you. You should have told us as soon as you knew Charlie was missing and we could have worked this whole thing out much more easily.

Stan: I know.

_Charlie glances at him and then his parents, looking guilty._

Sharon, nodding to Randy: And I think extending your punishment by another week would be fair for that, wouldn't it?

Charlie: No, that's not fair.

Sharon: Charlie?

Charlie: It's my fault, Mrs. Marsh. I shouldn't have snuck out of the house. I was being a selfish jerk, taking you guys for granted. I mean, living here has been the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I spoiled it by acting like a brat and letting Stan get in trouble for my problems. He was just trying to cover for me. I was the one that ran away, not him. I don't think he should be grounded for it.

_Randy and Sharon glance at each other. Stan smiles at Charlie._

Sharon: …Maybe we came down a little hard on you, Stanley. I know it's probably not easy to suddenly have to share your house.

Stan: No, it isn't.

Sharon: But it's simply not good parenting to lift a punishment under the encouragement of another child.

Stan: No, it isn't- Wait, what? That's not fair! What about Charlie? She snuck out!

Charlie: Yeah, can't you just take away his grounding and pretend none of this ever happened?

Randy: Relax, relax, I think I have a solution that'll even this whole thing out…

* * *

_Two weeks later, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are over at Stan's house. They're in his room._

Kyle: Wow, you're lucky to be back in your own room. It sucks for you that Charlie wasn't grounded though.

Stan: Honestly, I feel bad for Charlie.

Kyle: Seriously? Why?

Stan: Her punishment was way worse than grounding.

Shelly (shouting from a distance): I told you not to touch my stuff and stay in your stupid little corner, turd!

Charlie: Hey, cut it out! Ouch! Ouch! Mrs. Marsh, she's doing it again!

Shelly: Don't be such a baby, I just slapped you!

Cartman: I have to be totally honest you guys… That girl freaking scares me.

Charlie: I'm bleeding! Mrs. Marsh!

Shelly: That'll teach you to feed my goldfish when I'm not around!

Sharon: Keep it down, girls!

Kyle: I have to agree with you.

Stan: Poor Charlie.

_Kenny suddenly and inexplicably explodes. The three boys stare at the pile of ashes left on the ground. After several stunned seconds of silence, Cartman sniggers._


End file.
